


I think I'd rather die alone, together

by NobodyBreaksMyHeart



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Relationships, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo is a Technical Virgin, Ben has only gone to third base, Ben's an asshole at first, Childhood Memories, Consensual Underage Sex, Denial of Feelings, Devoted Ben Solo, Devoted Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Experienced Rey (Star Wars), F/M, Falling In Love, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Growing Up Together, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Later Rey is an asshole, Loss of Virginity, Love Confessions, Mild Smut, Misunderstandings, Non-Linear Narrative, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Older Man/Younger Woman, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Alternating, POV Ben Solo, POV Rey (Star Wars), Past Child Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Please Don't Hate Me, Protective Ben Solo, Rey Needs A Hug (Star Wars), Rey and Ben have an eight year age difference, Rey likes to party, Reylo - Freeform, She isn't pregnant but thinks she might be, Slow Burn, Soft Ben Solo, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, Time Skips, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Love, Virgin Ben Solo, all aboard the pain train, teen pregnancy scare
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:35:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 27,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27423568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NobodyBreaksMyHeart/pseuds/NobodyBreaksMyHeart
Summary: “I’m beginning to think your brother has a crush on you.”"I told you. He's not my real brother.""Still... I think he has feelings for you."Rey laughed at the absurdity. “Why? Because he calls me Sweetheart and kisses my forehead? He's eight years older than I am. Trust me, there is nothing even remotely romantic between us. And anyway, he’s already met his soulmate and it is definitely not me.”~*~*~*~*~*~Based on thisReylo Prompts tweet: “Curious Cat: Soulmate AU - Everyone is born with a countdown on their wrist to when they'll meet their soulmate. Rey only ever remembers hers saying zero. It ran out when she was too young to understand after her foster mother's friend, Leia visits and brings her teenage son.”
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 74
Kudos: 202
Collections: Reylo Prompt Fills (@reylo_prompts)





	1. I wasn't looking for you, but you found me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few things to note:
> 
> \- I tagged underage because there is an 8 year age gap between Ben and Rey and stuff may happen between them before Rey is 18 but it will be consensual  
> \- Ben and Rey aren't blood related/step siblings/half siblings/adoptive siblings but she does refer to him as her older brother based on the age gap alone  
> \- This will be //angsty// and you will want to hit both of them (probably even me...) upside the head  
> \- Rey is a party girl and teenage Ben is a jerk  
> \- POV will alternate between Rey/Ben  
> \- There will be a lot of switching between Present Day/Flashbacks and I will do my best to keep each section labeled so hopefully you don't get confused  
> \- Chapter count could change, but not by much
> 
> The song I listened to a lot while writing this (also where I got the title/chapter titles from) is [ Die Alone by FINNEAS ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIUCW8reUBE&feature=emb_logo) <3

  
  
**~*~*~*~*~*~**  
  
**Present day**  
[Rey is 15]

Rey tumbled out of her bedroom window and landed in the bushes. She dust herself off before sneaking across the front lawn to Finn's idling Ford F150. Jessika was waving enthusiastically from the front passenger's seat. Once again, Rey was grateful she lived in a modest one story home in a quiet neighborhood. If any of the neighbors were looking out their window at that exact moment, they’d hardly be able to see her due to the amount of trees that shrouded every home from prying eyes. (Not that any of her neighbors were all that nosey.) Most were older couples with fully grown children and grandchildren that visited in the summers or for holidays. Some were even retired. And most all of them were asleep at eleven on a Friday night just like Rey’s trusting adoptive mom Maz.   
  
“Come on Kanata we don’t have all night!” Finn said as Rey climbed into the back.  
  
She barely had the door closed before he peeled out slamming her back against the seat.  
  
“Finn, what the hell?” she exclaimed.  
  
“Sorry, but we’re running late.”  
  
Rey laughed. “It’s just a high school party. There’s no such thing as running late.”  
  
“I know that, but the flyer clearly stated that start time was nine.”  
  
“Sorry I had the closing shift,” Jessika grumbled. “You also didn't have to wait for me to get off work. I could've found another ride."  
  
"Are you kidding me? We've been going to parties together as a trio for years now," said Finn, as he ran a red light. "Three Musketeers and all that remember?"  
  
"Snap’s parents won’t even be home until Monday," Rey leaned forward and swiped a piece of gum from the middle console. "And Tallie said the caterers and DJ are booked through Sunday.”  
  
Finn snorted. “Caterers and a DJ for a high school party. Freaking rich kids.”   
  
“What the hell are you on about Calrissian? You’re one of them!” Jessika playfully hit him on the arm.  
  
“I know but even I have my limits. No way would I ever book a caterer or a DJ for a high school party! My parents raised me better than that.”  
  
"Oh my god shut up."  
  
Finn and Jessika's continued bantering faded into the background, as Rey stared at her wrist. She pushed aside some of the many bracelets she always wore until she saw it. The tiny number that everyone was born with. Traditionally, it was called a “Soul Mark” but Jessika preferred to call it the “Mark of Doom”. It was a number permanently etched onto your wrist that changed every so often. A countdown until the day you met your soulmate. Rey hadn’t given much thought to hers until middle school when her classmates started meeting theirs.  
  
In this kind of world, it was perfectly normal for teenagers to get married if they were lucky enough to meet their soulmate that soon. And if soulmates met as children or if there was a big age gap, it was perfectly normal for them to begin a years long courting relationship until both parties’ parents gave them permission to get married. Of course there were also many stories about those who chose not to be with their soulmates. But the consequence of not being with your soulmate resulted in a life of failed relationships. If you didn’t share a soul mark, your relationship was doomed.  
  
By the time Rey started high school, a lot of classmates were already in the courting and wedding planning stages. Others like Finn and Jessika still had several years to go before they would meet their soulmates. Rey never talked to anyone about her soul mark and thankfully, nobody ever pushed her to. She kept hers well hidden with bracelets made out of colorful beads and chunky charms.  
  
_“It’s very rare, but some people don’t have a soulmate,” Maz explained one day when Rey was crying about hers. “Take heart child. You can still have a beautiful life.”_  
  
_“A life lived alone and without love”_ is what Rey heard. That had been several years ago. Now, she was 15 fighting back tears of bitterness as she stared at the **0** that constantly taunted her. A cruel reminder she was destined for no one. That she was only always meant to be alone.

  
**~*~*~*~*~*~**  
  
**15 years ago  
  
**

Before Maz adopted her, all Rey had known was rejection and loneliness. As a baby she was left in a cardboard box behind a Pizza Hut and her family never came looking for her. She spent the first six years of her life in the foster care system bouncing around from home to home. Each of them left her feeling even more unwanted and unworthy of love than the last. Shortly before she turned seven, she was placed with Maz after a concerned teacher finally reported the bruises all over little Rey’s malnourished body. At first, Rey wasn't sure what to expect of this short, older woman but it didn't take long for her to realize Maz was nothing like her previous foster families.  
  
Maz met her soulmate young and they’d spent thirty eight long, happy years together before he passed away from cancer. She was never able to have children of her own, but fostered many throughout their marriage and continued to even after her husband was gone. By the time Rey was placed with her, Maz was ready for something permanent. She immediately felt connected to the fragile little brunette with sparkling hazel eyes and a timid smile.  
  
For the first time in her life, Rey had her own bedroom and bathroom that she could decorate the way she wanted. She was finally able to pick out her own clothes that actually fit and were free of holes and stains. Maz kept the kitchen fully stocked and they ate meals together. Rey was also free to snack whenever she wanted. Maz never yelled at or insulted Rey and certainly never laid a hand on her. She was nothing but kind, warm and loving. All things Rey hadn’t known. She finally felt like she was truly home. She finally knew what it felt like to be truly cared for by someone who genuinely loved you.  
  
Usually an adoption was a long and expensive process, but Maz had a generous friend with connections who helped finance and speed things along. On her seventh birthday, Rey officially became a Kanata and shortly after that started referring to Maz as “mom”.

 **~*~*~*~*~*~**  
  
**8 years ago**  
[Ben is 15]

“Ben stop slouching!” Leia snapped. “You’re going to have back problems when you’re older if you continue to sit like that.”  
  
Ben rolled his eyes as he sat up straighter, refusing to look in her direction. He kept his gaze on the tall buildings in downtown Chandrila as they drove through on their way to visit one of Leia’s friends who lived on the other side of the city. The side of the city where his mother's non profit organization Mirrorbright was heavily involved. The side of the city that didn’t have exclusive country clubs, expensive private schools or gated communities of sprawling estates with pristine lawns like where they lived.   
  
“I know you’re mad, but when we get to Maz’s I need you to look less...murderous.”  
  
“I had plans,” Ben muttered.  
  
“Oh really? With who?”  
  
“Travis and Warren.”  
  
Leia sighed and Ben rolled his eyes knowing what she was going to say next.  
  
“I really wish you’d find new friends, Ben. Those two are nothing but trouble.”  
  
He didn't reply as he continued staring out the window. What he didn’t tell her was the truth. That his real plans were to meet up with Bazine Netal who had promised him third base. She was his long time crush who was finally giving him the time of day now that he’d made some changes to his looks. He finally grew his hair out to cover his large ears and stopped slicking it back with gel. Dress shirts and bow ties were no longer a part of his every day look. And he'd been gaining muscle mass and definition thanks to football. He was no longer a shy, quiet, lanky oaf of a wallflower. He was finally someone people wanted to be friends with and a guy girls wanted to date. Now there was a tiny smile on his face thinking about Bazine and all the promises she'd made to him for the next time they hung out.  
  
Leia looked over at him while they were at a red light and narrowed her eyes in suspicion. “You didn’t actually have plans with Travis and Warren did you?”  
  
Ben's smile fell into a scowl. His mother was annoyingly perceptive.  
  
“You were going to meet up with that older girl. Bazine Netal.”  
  
Ben groaned. “Stop being so dramatic, mom. She’s only sixteen.”  
  
“I’ve told you. Girls like her are bad news.”  
  
“If it were up to you, I’d be a monk.”  
  
“Hasn’t she already met her soulmate? I seem to remember her mother saying as much when we had brunch at the country club the other day. I believe they’ve even set a wedding date for when Bazine turns 18 after she graduates high school.”  
  
“But she doesn’t want him!” Ben turned to look at her, trying to make her understand that what he and Bazine had was more real than any stupid soulmate. “She wants me. And I want her, too.”  
  
Leia bristled. “She’s off limits for a variety of reasons including but not limited to the fact she’s already engaged.”  
  
Ben clenched his teeth to keep from arguing with her further. She was still upset with him for the hickeys Bazine left all over his neck the last time they hung out. He glared out the window as they turned down a quiet street with identical red brick homes and tall oak trees.   
  
“You _will_ behave while we're here and be kind to Rey.”  
  
“Who’s Ray?”  
  
“The foster child I helped Maz adopt.”  
  
“Ah yes. Another one of your charity cases,” Ben rolled his eyes. Leia pursed her lips as he continued talking, his words dripping with sarcasm. “I guess you want me to pretend to like him? Be his friend? Invite him to hang out? Tell him which girls to stay away from? Maybe we could even talk about our soulmates. Maybe he’s already met his. And I can tell him all about how I’ve been forced into an uneventful life of celibacy until I meet mine.”  
  
“Ben…Rey is a girl.”  
  
He snorted. “What the hell kind of name is that for a girl?”  
  
Leia parked in front of Maz's house before turning to face him with fury in her eyes. “I’ve had enough of your attitude today. If you continue down this path then I’ll be forced to –“  
  
“What?” Ben interrupted. "Ground me again?"  
  
"No."  
  
Ben raised an eyebrow. "No?"  
  
"Grounding you doesn't seem to do anything. I may be forced to take more drastic measures."  
  
"Like what?" Ben laughed. "Send me to live in the mountains with crazy Uncle Luke?"  
  
“Do not tempt me."  
  
"Come on, Mom. You wouldn't. Dad would never agree to that."  
  
"Your father and I actually agree on most things, Ben. Especially when it comes to straightening you out. Now remember, please behave the _entire_ time we're here."  
  
Ben frowned. "How long are we going to be here?"  
  
Leia thought for a moment. "Two...maybe three or four hours I don't know."  
  
"Oh my god, I hate my life," Ben put his face in his hands.  
  
"Now who's being dramatic?"   
  
Ben didn't answer as Leia got out of the car. He sent a text to Bazine saying he would sneak out to come see her later after Leia went to bed. It wouldn't be the first nor the last time he would sneak out to see a girl. After getting an enthusiastic reply text, Ben got out of the car with a smile on his face for the promise of later. But first, he needed to survive a boring uneventful afternoon.

  
**~*~*~*~*~*~**  
  
**PRESENT DAY**  
[Rey is 15]

Rey wasn’t black out drunk, but she also wasn’t completely sober. From the moment she set foot inside Snap’s house, she gulped down as many drinks and shots she could get her hands on. She lived for parties especially the ones thrown by Chandrila's wealthiest spoiled brats. Her alcohol tolerance was surprisingly high for someone as little as she was. She'd been sneaking out and going to these parties ever since she was twelve and Finn's older cousin Jannah invited them. Massive hangovers and questionable memories aside, Rey loved them. It was a chance for her to completely let loose and for a few hours forget about soul marks and soulmates.   
  
She'd decided a while ago that she wasn't going to let the cold hard fact that she had no soulmate ruin her fun. Jessika and Finn had long since disappeared into the crowd of people leaving Rey to her own devices. They'd been there for three hours and Rey had accomplished so much. She'd played beer pong a couple times, let some people take body shots off her and made out with no less than five people. Currently, she was straddling some basketball player's lap sucking bruises on his neck while he played poker with some friends. The bulge pushing against her thigh was proof that he was enjoying her attention despite the fact he seemed really focused on his card game.  
  
"A royal flush," he finally said, laying out his cards as his friends groaned. Then he turned his full attention on Rey. "Ready to find somewhere more private, Sweetheart?"  
  
Rey frowned. “Don’t call me that.”  
  
“Don't call you what?”  
  
“Sweetheart. My brother calls me that.”  
  
“You have a brother? I thought you were an only child?”  
  
“He's not my real brother. Just the son of a long time family friend who’s older and acts like he’s my brother. It’s really annoying actually.”  
  
The guy who's name she couldn't remember looked at her confused. "He calls you Sweetheart?"  
  
"He does it to annoy me," Rey rolled her eyes then looked at him apologetically. “Sorry. Did I totally kill the mood?”  
  
"No, you didn't, Swee - Babe," he kissed her on the forehead and let out an annoyed sigh when she scrunched up her nose. "Let me guess... He also kisses you on the forehead?" When Rey said nothing and looked down, he laughed a little. “I’m beginning to think your brother has a crush on you.”  
  
"I told you. He's not my real brother."  
  
"Still... I think he has feelings for you."  
  
Rey laughed at the absurdity. “Why? Because he calls me Sweetheart and kisses my forehead? He's eight years older than I am. Trust me, there is nothing even remotely romantic between us. And anyway, he’s already met his soulmate and it is definitely _not_ me.”  
  


**~*~*~*~*~*~**  
  
**8 years ago**  
[Ben is 15; Rey is 7]

“It is so good to see you again, Leia,” Maz smiled, as they hugged. "Han couldn't make it this time?"  
  
"You know how he is. Off traveling the world again with that race car of his. But...I did bring someone else with me that you haven't seen in a while."  
  
Ben was standing on the front porch with his hands in his pockets staring at the ground. Leia reached out and dragged him inside. Maz's eyes widened as she adjusted her bifocals and stepped closer to him.  
  
“Who is this tall, handsome young man? Surely this isn’t your Ben?”  
  
He kept his hands in his pockets as Maz invaded his space to hug him tightly. “Hey Maz...”  
  
“It really has been too long."  
  
"I've been busy with school and football."  
  
Maz smiled widely. "He is growing like a weed! Not the lanky little boy I remember and he’s growing his hair out. I like it. Although I do miss seeing those ears turn red."  
  
"Thanks," Ben muttered, wishing the floor would open up and swallow him whole.   
  
"Will Rey be joining us for lunch?" Leia asked, looking around.  
  
“Not this time I’m afraid," said Maz, as she led the way to the dining room. "She had a big breakfast but may join us later."   
  
Leia stopped walking and turned around to face Ben, who almost ran into her since he was looking at the ground. “Ben, why don’t you go introduce yourself to Rey before lunch?”  
  
"I'm sure she'd love to meet you!" Maz smiled. "Her room is at the very end of the hall on the left."  
  
Ben was about to say that no he'd rather not go make nice with the charity case, but then he saw the look Leia was giving him. It meant he had zero choice in the matter and had to do as he was told or else. So he let out a defeated sigh and turned to walk down the hall. There were a lot of photos hanging up of Maz with her late husband who for reasons unknown was nicknamed Chewie. Ben smiled a little. He didn’t really remember Chewie except that he was one of his father’s close friends.   
  
The next group of photos were of a little girl with bright eyes and a warm smile. In the photo that caught Ben's eye, her smile was so big her eyes and nose were scrunched up and there were dimples cutting into her freckled cheeks. Her brown hair was in two braids that fell over each shoulder. She was wearing a fluffy pink tutu with a shirt that said “Birthday Queen” and the number “7” on the front. There was a sparkly gold plastic crown on her head that matched her shoes. She looked so happy and carefree, Ben couldn't help the smile on his face.   
  
He heard a voice coming from behind a door that was slightly ajar. There were several colorful drawings taped outside of butterflies, flowers, princesses, unicorns and castles. Ben nudged it open with his foot and leaned up against the doorframe with his arms crossed. The room was predictably small and reminded him of the laundry room back home. But it was every bit a little girl's room.  
  
All the furniture was white with a floral design carved into the wood. The pillows and blankets on the bed were in pastel colors. There was a bookshelf filled to the brim and a row of succulent plants sat across the window sill. White fairy lights ran around the perimeter of the ceiling and a gauzy pink canopy hung over the twin sized bed. In a corner of the room was a small white table with four chairs. Rey was sitting down wearing the "Birthday Queen" outfit. The other chairs were occupied by stuffed animals. Each one had it's own plastic teacup and saucer. Rey was pretending to pour tea into the cups with a coordinating plastic teapot as she babbled on about tea time with the Queen completely unaware of her visitor. Ben was about to say something when it happened. His soul mark started burning.  
  
_What the hell?!_  
  
Ben looked down at his wrist, his eyes widening in both awe and horror as the number changed to **0**. He hadn't paid much attention to his soul mark determined that no matter who his soulmate was, he had no intention of following through with marriage. And now that he knew her, he was even more set in his resolve to ignore it. He wanted to laugh and cry. Laugh because of course his soulmate was never going to be Bazine or anyone even remotely like her. And he wanted to cry because how cruel were the fates to make his soulmate a little child from nowhere? She was _nothing_. And she never would be anything. Not to him. Without a word, Ben ran down the hall and out the front door leaving his soulmate behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ride this pain train with me for a little bit and remember the tag "Angst with a >>Happy Ending<<"


	2. Memories fillin' my cup, it comes in flashes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Casually pours more gasoline on the angst fire.*
> 
> This chapter is more non linear and I labeled each section accordingly. Hopefully, it isn't too confusing for me to jump around. For some reason, I like writing it like this lol

_"Try as I may, I cannot find a way to unlove you."_ **  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
2 years ago**  
[Ben is 21; Rey is 13]

Rey stared at the incoming call from a number she should've saved years ago when it was first given to her. Back then, she didn't think much of it until Ben started calling her from that number a couple times a week after he was sent away. At first, Rey assumed he enjoyed their phone calls and did her best to keep the conversation moving. But it quickly became clear that he hated talking to her so she started coming up with reasons why they couldn't talk for long or as frequently.  
  
Staring at his number on the phone screen now, Rey fought the urge to send him straight to voicemail then block him. It had been two weeks since his last phone call and a month since his last letter. According to Han and Leia, Yavin Community College was keeping him busy. It was located in a mountain town on the other side of the country. Halfway through his junior year of high school, Ben was sent to live there with his Uncle Luke for reasons Rey still didn't completely know about. All she knew was that Ben did something bad and only Luke could help him. That was four years ago and Rey never once missed him. (She _didn't_.)  
  
In Ben's absence, Rey finally had time to do things she actually wanted to do and spend time with people she actually wanted to spend time with. Her forced hang outs with Ben growing up still remained a mystery to her. They were polar opposites in every way and eight years apart in age. Maz said it was because Ben needed a good influence in his life. **Right...** Leia said it was because Ben enjoyed her company. **HA.** Han never said much of anything. He would just pat Rey on the head, give her his signature mischievous smile and tell her to never change. **Whatever the hell _that_ meant.**  
  
Memories of forced weekend and holiday hangouts with a moody teenage boy still left a bitter taste in Rey's mouth and had her finger hovering over the "Decline" button. But she knew Ben well enough by now to know he'd just keep calling until she answered. That was another weird and irritating habit he'd picked up recently - calling until she picked up. He also sent her letters and requested she write him letters in return which she hated. It was such an archaic way to communicate. (Seriously, what was wrong with an email or a text?) With an annoyed sigh, Rey finally put Ben on speaker. 

"Hi."  
  
 _"Hey Sweetheart. I was beginning to think I was calling at a bad time."_  
  
"No. I'm just busy," Rey responded in a bored tone. What she _really_ wanted to say was **Every time you call me is a bad time, dipshit. I don't like talking to you.**  
  
 _"Busy doing what?"_  
  
"None of your business. What do you want, Solo?"  
  
 _"To talk."_  
  
"Okay. Then talk."

Ben chuckled. _"Well don't sound so excited, Sweetheart."_

"Believe me, I'm not," Rey said, as she started watering the many plants around her room. "And how many times do I have to tell you to stop calling me Sweetheart? It's weird."

 _"Maybe just a few more. You didn't mind it when you were younger."  
  
_ "Because when I was younger I didn't hate you as much as I do now." _  
_  
 _"Whatever you say. Sweetheart."_

Rey could hear the smirk in his voice and fought the urge to throw her phone against the wall. 

"What do you _really_ want, Ben?"

He let out a heavy sigh and Rey knew he was running a hand through his hair. The last meticulously written letter included a picture of him. His dark hair was now down to his shoulders and covered his ears completely. He had also gotten more tone and muscular since he'd taken up a regular workout routine after moving away. In fact, Rey would hardly recognize him if it weren't for some very distinct facial features.   
_  
"I already told you, Sweetheart. I just called to talk. It's been a while. Sorry about that."_

Rey shrugged. "We've both been busy."

_"Yeah. Mom told me you're doing well in school. That's good. Straight A's and still playing volleyball?"_

"Yep," Rey nodded as she finished watering the last of her plants. Then she laid down on the bed with her phone beside her. "How is college old man? What's your major again?"

_"I'm a business major. I've told you that. Many times."_

"Oh. Well, I wasn't really paying attention."  
  
 _"Clearly._ _Brat."_

"Asshole."

_"Language."_

Rey rolled her eyes and stuck out her tongue. 

_"I'm thinking about moving back to Chandrila after I graduate."_

At that, Rey frowned at her phone. "Really? Why? You hate it here. You couldn't wait to get away."

 _"Well...yeah. I mean...I used to hate it. But now I don't."  
  
_ "What changed your mind?"  
  
There was a slight pause before he answered. _"It's more like...I had a change of heart."_

 **What the hell did he mean by _that_? **  
  
"A change of heart huh?" Rey laughed. "What does that even mean? You finally get over Jezebel or Bathsheba or whatever the hell her name is?"

_"Bazine. And yes, Sweetheart. I haven't spoken to her since before she got married. You know that."_

"She and her husband make such a cute couple," said Rey, trying to hit him where she was convinced it still hurt. "They're quite the power couple. So in love. I envy them. They have kids now. Two daughters. One son. Real cute too. Baz is a beauty blogger. Make up. Fashion. She gets all kinds of stuff for free just for shouting out the brands on her YouTube channel. I have her to thank for all the attention I've been getting."  
  
 _"Attention?"_  
  
"Yeah."  
  
 _"Like...from guys?"  
  
_ Rey smirked at his hesitation. "Yeah."  
  
 _"Do they...do you go out on dates?"  
  
_ "Yeah. It's nothing serious though," Rey rolled over onto her side and stared at her phone.  
  
 _"Are you in a relationship with anyone right now?"_  
  
"I'm not tied down to any one person at the moment no. I just hang out with a few people here and there."  
  
 _"What do you do when you hang out?"_  
  
"Sometimes, we go to the movies. Other times, we play mini golf or go roller skating. My ex boyfriend -"  
  
 _"Ex boyfriend?"_  
  
"Yes. Ex boyfriend, Ben," Rey rolled her eyes.   
  
_"I never knew you had a boyfriend."_  
  
"It wasn't important enough to tell you about."  
  
 _"Who was he?"_  
  
"Nobody you know. Anyways...he took me to play laser tag a lot and paintball sometimes. Those dates were probably my favorite."  
  
 _"How old are you again?"_  
  
"Oh my god," Rey groaned. "I'm old enough to go on dates and have boyfriends. I'm thirteen. And before you start getting all parental on me, nothing's ever happened. We have good, _clean_ fun. It's nothing like what would happen between you and Bazine when you'd sneak out."  
  
That shut Ben up long enough for Rey to wonder if he had ended the call. She never could resist the urge to pour salt in the wound that was Bazine. As much as he continued to deny any residual feelings for her, Rey concluded it was Bazine's wedding that was the reason Ben did whatever it was that got him shipped off to live with Luke. 

Ben finally broke the silence. _"I talked to my dad a couple days ago. You and Maz had dinner with them on Sunday?"_

"Yep. Just like we've done every Sunday since I've known you." 

_"How was it?"_

"Didn't you already talk about it with your dad?"

 _"Well yeah, but...I just wanted to hear it from you."_  
  
"It was dinner," Rey shrugged. "Nothing exciting or different than when you were here. Your mom made my favorite."  
  
 _"Garlic chicken alfredo. Grandma Padme's recipe."_  
  
Rey nodded even though he couldn't see her. "And after dinner, they had their boring old person talk while I kicked ass in Smash Brothers. It was a grand old time. Glad you weren't there to ruin it."  
  
 _"Did you get the -"_  
  
"Yeah. I got it."  
 _  
"Oh okay. Good. Glad mom relinquished it to you. At first, she wanted to keep it for herself. Do you like it, Sweetheart?"_

"Yes. Oh my god. Just what I've always wanted. I love it. Thank you so much," Rey said in an unenthusiastic tone that very much said otherwise. 

Ben laughed a little. _"Right. I can tell."_

Rey looked over at the unopened blue box from Tiffany & Co sitting on her dresser. It was one of many gifts Ben had given or mailed to her over the years. The first few times it happened, she was confused since it wasn't her birthday or Christmas. Maz and Leia told her Ben just wanted to give her gifts out of the kindness of his heart which was obviously a lie. But she continued to accept the gifts for their benefit since they always seemed to be hovering somewhere nearby when Ben would shove one into Rey's hands. Then she would put on her brightest fake smile telling Ben thank you and ignore his death glare and insults he was muttering under his breath. Eventually, Rey stopped opening the gifts and began shoving them in the back of her closet to eventually give away.   
  
Sighing, Rey checked the time and was grateful that it was late and a school night so she'd have a valid excuse for ending the conversation. "Anyways...I'm really tired and I have to be up early for school so -"

_"Wait."_

"What?"  
  
Silence.   
  
"What Ben?"  
  
More silence.   
  
"Ben, what the -"

_"I love you."_

Rey froze. "What did you say?"  
  
 _"I said...I love you, Rey."_  
  
"Oh."  
  
 _"Yeah..."_  
  
It wasn't the first time a guy said that to her. Her ex boyfriend said it way too much and didn't mean it. Her best friend Finn said it all the time, but it wasn't in a romantic way. Han said it but he was like a father to her. It was different hearing Ben say it. Maybe he was drunk or high. Or maybe he had lost a bet. Sure, he'd finally stopped being mean to her, but _love_ her? Even in a friendly way? It just didn't make sense.  
  
As the echoes of his words settled into the air around her, Rey felt as though something deep inside had been awakened and she didn't like how it felt. It was an unfamiliar feeling. Suddenly, there were tears in her eyes she couldn't explain and a longing in her heart she'd never felt before. She cleared her throat and spoke quickly hoping he wouldn't hear the tremor in her voice. 

"Good bye, Ben."

_"Good night, Sweetheart."  
_

**~*~*~*~*~*~**

**7 years ago**  
[Rey is 8]

Rey didn’t understand why Ben kept coming over. He was so much older than she was and always unhappy to see her. Why couldn't Maz or his parents see that? At first, she tried being polite and made every attempt to include him in whatever she was playing that day. But he made it very clear from the beginning that he hated her and found her annoying, so she stopped trying. What really irritated her about their forced weekend hangouts was that she was not allowed to have a social life apart from Ben.  
  
Her weekends were all planned out and involved Ben and his family. It's not that she didn't like his family. She loved them. In fact, she found it hard to believe Ben was truly their biological child. His father Han was charming, friendly and made Rey feel like an actual Princess. Leia was sophisticated, warm and loving. Ben was cold, hateful and rebellious. Rey didn't understand how someone like him came from people who seemed so perfect like Leia and Han.   
  
The one bright spot about her new scheduled weekend hangouts was spending time at the Solo Estate. Their house was a large two story colonial located on the other side of the city in a gated community. They had a home theater complete with a mini concession stand. In the large finished basement was a bowling alley and arcade. Their swimming pool was massive and had a lazy river winding around the perimeter of the equally as massive backyard. A hot tub was hidden behind a waterfall built into an artificial rock formation that had a winding water slide coming out of the top. Going to Ben's house was was like going on vacation.  
  
Holidays were spent at the Solo's actual vacation home in Naboo which was only a three hour drive away. It was a lake house that belonged to Leia's parents. She and her estranged twin brother Luke inherited it after they passed away several years prior. Rey didn't know much about Luke. Just that he went a little crazy and moved to the other side of the country after his parents died. The lake house was a massive three story cabin with lots of large picture windows and located mere yards away from the lake. Watching the sunrises and sunsets and stargazing were Rey's favorite part about going there. It was on those trips, she could temporarily forget about her life before Maz and the uncertainty of her future.

 **~*~*~*~*~*~**  
  
 **Present day**  
[Rey is 15; Ben is 23]

Ben woke up to the sound of someone knocking loudly on the front door. The doorbell was broken thanks to some over eager salesman a couple months ago. He and his roommate Armitage Hux still hadn't gotten around to fixing it. Who needed a doorbell when knocking was sufficient and not nearly as annoying. At least not as annoying until now. Ben squinted at his alarm clock and groaned. _3:55 AM._ He rolled over and put a pillow over his head hoping whoever it was would go away. But they never did and the knocking got more aggressive.   
  
Armitage was an annoyingly deep sleeper, so Ben knew he wouldn't be waking up anytime soon. So after a few more frantic knocks, Ben forced himself out of bed and went downstairs with his hands clenched into fists. He disabled the security system then swung the door open ready to beat the shit out of whoever was on the other side. His anger disintegrated when he saw Rey's friend Jessika Pava standing there with wide eyes looking directly at his abs. That's when he realized he wasn't wearing a shirt. Just a pair of pajama pants that were hanging low on his hips.  
  
Jessika's lips parted a little and she visibly swallowed. She was never shy in her appraisal of his body. The first time they met, he had invited Rey and her friends over to his parent's house for a cookout which of course involved swimming. While Rey's other friends stared at him with their mouths hanging open, it was Jessika who kept finding reasons to be close to him and touch him. It was never inappropriate but it made Ben feel uncomfortable. Especially when he saw the death glares Rey was giving him as though he were the guilty party in this. Wondering if Jessika was here to make a move on him, Ben shifted uncomfortably anticipating having to let her down.   
  
"Pava. What the hell are you doing here at almost four in the morning?" he frowned.  
  
She snapped out of her trance and looked up at him apologetically.   
  
"Sorry I didn't call first," was all the warning Ben had before she launched into a frenzied speech that also involved her pacing back and forth across the porch as she spoke. "I don't have your number saved in my phone and I couldn't find Rey's phone. Snap had to call an ambulance because someone had a really bad allergic reaction to something at the party. And by really bad I mean they could've died if Stacy hadn't found them when she did. They were all the way the hell out in the pool house if you can believe it.  
  
Anyways, the cops were called since a lot of us were underaged so we ran. Well, I mean...a few of us were able to quickly get an Uber or Lyft, but some people literally had to run. Finn gave us a ride to the party last night, but I couldn't find him. Lucky I found Rey when I did because she was passed the fuck out and Brad Stephens looked like he was going to have sex with her anyway which would be disgusting because not only could she not give him consent, he's also slept with half the city so -"  
  
"Where the hell is she now?" Ben interrupted, trying to keep his anger internalized at the thought of someone taking advantage of _his_ Rey. He stopped Jessika's pacing by grabbing her shoulders and looking straight in her eyes. "Is she still there? With Brad?"  
  
"N - no," said Jessika quickly shaking her head. "She's in the back of the Uber. That's why I'm here."  
  
Ben finally noticed the unfamiliar car idling by the curb. He let go of Jessika's shoulders then hurried over to the car. Sure enough, Rey was laying across the backseat asleep. Ben's eyes immediately found the hickeys on her neck that disappeared beneath the low neckline of her extremely short dress. The thought of her parading around dressed like that and getting attention from guys like whoever the hell Brad Stephens was made Ben's blood boil. He made a mental note to yell at Finn for taking Rey to the party in the first place. After taking a few deep breaths to calm himself down, Ben carefully picked Rey up then headed towards the house.  
  
"Do you think you can get her home before Maz wakes up?" Jessika asked. "She snuck out of her bedroom window last night after Maz went to bed. As usual."  
  
"I'll take care of her," Ben muttered, kissing Rey on the forehead. He stopped at the front door and turned around to look at Jessika. "Sorry about my reaction. I just -"  
  
"I know," Jessika said with a knowing smile. "You really...care about her. And I'm glad she has you."  
  
Ben nodded. "Thank you for bringing her over."  
  
"Anytime. Good night Ben."  
  
"Night."  
  
He waited until Jessika was safely inside the car before carrying Rey into the house, kicking the front door shut behind him. Armitage was standing at the bottom of the stairs, his red hair a disheveled mess and a scowl on his face.   
  
"Ahhh. This again," he commented, as Ben pushed past him to take Rey upstairs to the guest bedroom.   
  
Armitage followed and helped by turning on the light in the guest room and pushing back the blankets on the bed. Then he stepped back so Ben could set Rey down. She stirred a little and curled up on her side facing them. Ben removed her uncomfortable looking high heels before covering her up. Rey's lips were slightly parted and she was snoring lightly, a few strands of hair falling across her face. Ben gently pushed the hair back behind her ear before gently kissing her forehead. Armitage was leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed.  
  
"Her partying habits don't seem to be letting up," he said as Ben stood to leave the room. "She does all this to numb the pain. And her pain comes from the belief that she was meant for no one. That she wasn't worthy to have anyone to love. Perhaps if she knew she had a soulmate then -"  
  
"It wouldn't change a thing," Ben shook his head as he turned off the light and stepped into the hall.   
  
Armitage frowned. "Are you really okay to just let her go on believing she was meant to be alone? You realize how utterly stupid and selfish that is? For as long as I've known you, you've denied her the truth about who you are to each other. Thinking all your phone calls, carefully written letters and gifts would be enough. But they aren't. If you would just sit down and talk with her, I'm sure she'd understand. Rose and I -"  
  
"It's different than you and Rose."  
  
"Oh? How so? There's a six year age difference between us yet Rose knew when she was twelve and I was eighteen. We're getting married after she graduates. I think at 15, Rey is old enough to know the truth."  
  
"I waited too long to tell her. She'll never understand."  
  
"So...you're going to what? Just give up? Step back while she continues to hook up with and date other guys? None of her relationships will last. She'll never be complete. She'll always be broken. Cursed with a loveless life and it's all because of you."  
  
Ben let out a heavy sigh. He was tired in so many ways. This wasn't the first nor would it be the last time Armitage would beat him over the head with the truth. But Ben had spent so long living in denial. So long trying to convince himself that both he and Rey were better off without each other. After he was sent away to live with Luke, his perspective and subsequently his feelings started changing. But now he believed it was much too late to try and right his wrongs.   
  
"This isn't a walk in the park for me either, Hux. And you know that."  
  
"Then why continue down this path?" Armitage was exasperated. "You're not only hurting her, you're hurting yourself. Unnecessarily, I might add. You do love her, right?"  
  
Ben frowned at the floor with his arms crossed. "I have to. I don't have a choice."   
  
Armitage shook his head. "I've seen soulmates who aren't in love and marry only because of their soul marks. My parents for example. But you...I've seen the way you look at her. It's the look of someone who'd wait forever if they had to. It's the look of someone who'd spend their lives alone willingly if they had to. I've been observing your behavior towards Rey for the better part of almost six years now. You love her."  
  
"Then why even ask?!" Ben exclaimed. "If you know how I feel about her, why the hell did you ask if I love her?!"  
  
"Because I needed to hear it from you. I can _see_ that you love her, but I've never heard you say it."  
  
Ben sighed. "Of course I fucking love her, Hux. I always somehow have and I always will. And yes I will live the rest of my life alone. Willingly. It's too late now for me to try and fix things with her when I've messed up so much already."  
  
"It is never too late to try and fix things," said Armitage. "But I fear it's only a matter of time before she learns the truth whether or not you're the one to tell her. And it could very well blow up in your face."

 **~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
6 years ago**  
[Ben is 17]

Ben _hated_ cotton candy pink. And lilac. And sky blue. And lime green. And bright, happy yellow. All the colors in ~~his soulmate's~~ _Rey’s_ very girly bedroom. He also hated butterflies, princesses and unicorns. Anything and everything that made him think of _her -_ he hated. But for the past two years, he was forced to be in that tiny cheerful room every Saturday because _"He needs to start bonding with her since she's his soulmate."_ Leia's words made him want to throw up. _  
  
"Let's start out with Saturday afternoons and work our way into Fridays after school, then Sundays and holidays"_ was part of Leia's life ruining idea. **_Gross_**. It was either that or go live with his eccentric Uncle Luke on the other side of the country. No way in hell was Ben going to live with that psychopath. So he agreed to go along with his mother's stupid plan.   
  
Originally, Ben had no intention of letting anyone let alone Leia know that his soul mark had timed out or who his soulmate even was. Bazine was actually the first to know. Ben had snuck out after Leia went to bed the same day his mark burned for Rey. Things were moving towards third base when Bazine caught a glimpse of the big ugly **0** and suddenly that was all she could focus on. In an effort to ease her mind about it, Ben lied and said his soulmate rejected him. But that didn't set Bazine's mind at ease and completely killed the mood.   
  
Han and Leia found out at the same time, because Ben had forgotten to cover up his mark for dinner one night. Leia immediately called Maz to tell her the "good news". Then Ben had exploded into a long explanation about how he had no intention of honoring the mark or acknowledging Rey as his soulmate. That led to a shouting match with Han which ended when Ben punched a hole through the wall.  
  
A few days after that happened, Ben was informed of his new weekend plans. Due to the age difference, they decided it best not to tell Rey for now. Somehow Ben convinced them to let him decide when would be the right time to tell her. Which would of course be never. He hated their forced weekend hangouts. How the hell was a fifteen year old supposed to bond with a seven year old without it being creepy as fuck?   
  
The only thing that kept Ben from hurling himself from his second floor bedroom window was the fact he was still meeting with Bazine in secret. During his time spent with her, he was able to temporarily forget about his soul mark and his extremely underaged soulmate. A few weeks after they'd finally explored third base, Ben was ready to take the next step.  
  
Bazine had already lost her virginity before she met her soulmate to some guy she couldn't remember the name of. _"It was just a one night stand. It meant nothing."_ Bazine had said. She assured Ben he would be more than just a meaningless one night stand to her despite the fact she was already engaged. They even talked about running away together before her wedding. Curse of the soul mark be damned.   
  
But the night Ben finally had the house to himself and invited Bazine over for the first time since they'd started whatever it was between them, she dropped a bomb on him. _"I changed my mind."_ She said. About Ben. About them. When she wasn't sneaking around with Ben, she was spending more time getting to know her soulmate. Some guy named Dopheld Mitaka. What the hell kind of name is that anyway? He was five years older and helping run his family's oil and gas empire. Ben had seen pictures of him and didn't really see why Bazine was choosing him over Ben. The mousey little man made Ben feel like a Greek god in comparison. He was horrified when Bazine said she was in actually in love with Dopheld.   
  
"So...you don't love me anymore?" Ben asked, trying and failing to keep his emotions in check.   
  
He was not a crier. But he was finding it hard not to cry when the girl he thought he was in love with was hurting him in ways he'd never been hurt before. And she wasn't just hurting him with her words. There was regret in her eyes. Clear as day. Regret for everything that had ever happened between them. Possibly even regret for having ever met him.  
  
"I'm sorry, Ben," she said. "But it was never actually love between us. I know you must be so confused."  
  
Ben felt as though a knife were being run through his heart. "Bazine, please don't...don't do this. You promised. You told me you loved me."  
  
"I know, but deep down we both knew it wasn't going to last."  
  
His sorrow was temporarily replaced with anger. "Why? Because of some stupid fucking number on our wrists that we were born with? Bazine, we've talked about this. I don't want anyone else. Just you."  
  
"I know," she said, refusing to look at him. "And...I thought I wanted you, too. But we're so young and don't really know what love is."  
  
"Then why are you going through with marrying him if we're too young to know better? You said you'd never marry anyone you couldn't love."  
  
"He's my soulmate, Ben. The love between soulmates is what's real and what's meant to last. That's why people who don't share a soul mark -"   
  
"I don't care," he shook his head. "I want you anyway."  
  
"Ben -"  
  
"No. I asked you over here for a reason and -"  
  
"I should've ended things with you a long time ago," Bazine said quietly.  
  
Ben stared at her for a moment before frowning. "So you came over here knowing you were ending things when you could've just told me over the phone or through a text message?"  
  
His voice was breaking. He'd never felt so vulnerable in his life and he _hated_ it. But he was desperate. How could she just change her mind so quickly?  
  
"I just felt like you needed to hear it in person. Please don't make this more difficult than it already is."  
  
"I love you," Ben said desperately.   
  
"Don't say that. Don't tell me that you love me."  
  
"Why not?" Ben frowned. "I do."  
  
Bazine shook her head. "No, you don't. You never did and that's okay, because I never really loved you either. We wanted things we shouldn't have wanted and did things we shouldn't have done. And Ben, you won't be alone. You have someone, too."  
  
"I don't want her," Ben scowled.  
  
"I know it doesn't make sense to you right now, but someday it will. You'll learn to love her in time. Just like me and Dopheld."   
  
"And what if I don't?"  
  
"You _will_."   
  
"She's a child."  
  
"She's still your soulmate."  
  
Ben let out a frustrated cry causing Bazine to jump a little. "Stop fucking saying that! Why the fuck does everyone keep saying that?!"   
  
"Because it's the truth, Ben!" Bazine's previous timid demeanor was gone now. It was replaced by the same fury Ben felt. "You aren't the first nor will you be the last person in the world who's had a large age difference with their soulmate! But they figure it out! Just give it time."  
  
"I don't want to fucking give it time, Bazine! I fucking _hate_ her! I will _never_ love her! She's ruined my life and I just...I want...I need..." Ben was finding it hard to breathe and collapsed on his bed, as tears forced themselves out of his eyes.   
  
He hated Rey even more now for making him feel so weak. It was all her fault he was letting his emotions get the best of him. As angry as he was with Bazine, he still wanted to beg for just one more chance. One last moment to remind her of all the promises they made to each other that now seemed so pointless. But crying like a child facedown in his pillow wasn't going to help things.  
  
Bazine sat down on the bed beside him and began to run her fingers through his hair. If he didn't know any better, he'd assume it was Leia trying to comfort him. He moved his head to the side so he could see Bazine and cringed when he saw the pity in her eyes. Pity for him. When she spoke again, there was finality in her voice.   
  
"The fates tied you two together for a reason. I promise one day you will be so in love with her you won't understand why you ever weren't."  
  
Ben didn't move or say a word. Even when Bazine kissed him gently on the forehead like Leia used to do when he was younger. Even when she stood and walked over to his bedroom door. Even when she walked into the hall and shut the door behind her without so much as a good bye effectively walking out of his life forever. Ben had never felt pain like this before. Rejection. Heartbreak.  
  
What the hell was wrong with her? Why was she abandoning him? Ben's anger had now reached a boiling point. He got up and punched the wall repeatedly ignoring the pain. He didn't stop punching even after he'd created a hole. No doubt he'd get an earful from his parents about it later, but he just didn't give a damn about anything anymore. He was pacing like a caged lion ignoring his throbbing bloody knuckles. His breathing was erratic and his heart was pounding in his ears.  
  
Bazine turned out to be no better than his parents and Maz. Trying to force him into an unwanted relationship with someone he was sure he could never love. The unfair result of the **0** in his skin. Trying to convince him that someday he'd actually love a fucking child. Bazine was right. He didn't love her. At least not anymore. And maybe not ever. He hated her just as much as he hated his parents. As much as he hated Maz. Definitely as much as he hated Rey. Blinded by rage, Ben sat down at his laptop and with trembling hands typed into the search bar: **how to remove a soul mark**.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Sings Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne*
> 
> This will be the only chapter with a large chunk of text involving Bazine. Moving forward, she will only be mentioned and I will be putting even more focus on our beloved idiots. For now, chapter count remains the same. Thanks for reading! <3


	3. When it passes and I see your eyes, I know there's nothing I'll ever find better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoo boy...buckle up because this chapter is hella long and full of all the things >.<
> 
> ***TW***  
> \- In the "Present Day" section, there's mention of catching someone cheating and someone throwing up. Ben and Rey have a hella angsty moment in which Ben yells and shuts down for a little bit. He is still very dumb when it comes to whether or not to tell Rey that they're soulmates because he's holding onto that teenaged inner turmoil. Rey's confused AF by the way he's acting. They've got a lot to work through and it's going to take some time =/  
> \- In the last section "6 years ago [Ben is 17]" there is mention of the abuse Rey suffered growing up and Ben threatening to hurt people for her. It also mentions a little bit about what Ben went through before he was sent away. (Which will be further explained in another chapter)
> 
> Sorry I have a very spaced out and spontaneous update schedule >.<
> 
> PS Why yes that is me adding more chapters bc I'm a hoe and the plot keeps growing as I write =X

_"I feel like I'm losing my damn mind,_  
 _like your face has been carved into my heart,_  
 _and I don't remember when,_  
 _and I don't understand why,_  
 _but the scar is there ,_  
 _and I can't get it to heal_ _."  
_  
 _\- Never Fade by Alexandra Bracken_ **  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
3 years ago  
[Ben is 20]  
**

Ben tugged on the sleeves of the black sweater Rey had mailed to him last Christmas. It was the softest, most comfortable sweater he'd ever owned and he wore it often. It was a little big but he didn't mind. He smiled remembering the hastily written post it note that came with it.  
  
 _"Ben, you're a giant. Maz was in a hurry and I didn't have time to call your parents to ask what size you wore so we got the biggest size they had. There were other colors but I got black because you're a dark depressing person. Anyways, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. - Rey"_  
  
He looked out the airplane window. The sun had long since set so it was completely dark outside. In the distance he could see city lights. Based on the timing, it was most likely Chandrila. This was the first time he'd been home for a visit after almost three years of living with his Uncle Luke. It was his first holiday and Christmas with his family since he was seventeen. Sure there had been phone calls and video chats along the way, but to finally see them in person after all this time? Ben was nervous.   
  
When he was sent away, Ben wasn't on the best of terms with his parents and their marriage was on the verge of falling apart. But over time, not only had Ben gotten better, but his parents had worked on their relationship as well. Leia stopped working as much in order to travel with Han and in turn, he stopped traveling as much so he could help Leia get things done with Mirrorbright.  
  
Ben no longer covered up his soul mark, but still wore the bracelets he used to wear to hide it on the opposite wrist. His soul mark and the fact he had a young soulmate no longer bothered him. But it had taken time to get him to that point. There was lots of therapy involved both individually and with a group. He'd been so broken and angry when he first arrived in Yavin. His relationship with Luke was strained at best, but eventually they stopped fighting as much. Ben also found a good friend in Armitage Hux who helped change Ben for the better.  
  
Armitage became the brother Ben never had. After high school, they both enrolled in Yavin Community College. Leia said if they were willing to move to Chandrila after they graduated that she would have jobs for them with Mirrorbright which had been expanding in recent years. Ben immediately agreed and Armitage did later after talking with his soulmate about it. Like Ben, Armitage had a younger soulmate. But unlike Ben, Armitage told his soulmate the moment they met. And he kept trying to convince Ben he needed to just suck it up and tell Rey. But Ben was never ready to. So Armitage would drop the subject until the next opportunity to bring it up presented itself.  
  
Overall, life in Yavin had been a positive and transformative stage in Ben's life and honestly, he couldn't have been happier. Sure the path to get to this point was full of darkness and confusion, but Ben appreciated things and people more now than he ever had. He'd spent the past year apologizing to his parents and Luke for all the mistakes he made in the past. They also apologized for all the ways they screwed up. Forgiveness was given from all parties and Ben finally had the strong, loving relationship with his family that he'd always wanted. But the one person he still hadn't made things right with was Rey. He planned on using part of his trip to do just that.   
  
He was so lost in thought he missed the pilot saying they were beginning their descent into Chandrila International Airport. Did Rey even know he was coming home for Christmas? He'd forgotten to ask his mom before boarding the plane to come here. And he didn't really talk much to Maz, mostly relaying messages through his mom or dad to her. His last phone call with Rey was over a week ago and she'd been so quick to end the conversation that he didn't get a chance to tell her himself. But he hoped she would be happy to see him. **  
**

**~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Present day**  
[Rey is 15; Ben is 23]

Rey woke up with a headache. Her eyelashes were clumped together due to the multiple layers of mascara she had used the night before. The bright sunlight coming in through the window stung her eyes even with them half closed. She groaned and rolled over to bury her face in the pillow. That's when she realized that it wasn't her pillow. It was much softer than the one at home or at any of her friends' houses. She frowned and sat up to look around the room, finally realizing where she was.   
  
This wasn't the first time and probably wouldn't be the last time she would stay the night at Ben and Armitage's house. She laid back on the bed staring up at the ceiling, trying to remember what exactly happened last night that led to her coming here. Had Ben gone to pick her up from Snap's? She didn't remember calling him. Or was he at Snap's party too for some reason and force her to leave early?  
  
It was no secret Ben didn't approve of the partying habits she picked up while he was gone. He told her as much every time she had to crash at their place passed out or drunk in the middle of the night. It always irritated her that he was ever upset, because she remembered Leia telling stories about how wild Ben was as a teenager. Besides sneaking out to mess around with girls, he was off with his friends lighting trash cans on fire, picking fights, robbing convenience stores, spray painting buildings... So Rey didn't understand why he was so judgemental of her when he clearly had no right to be.   
  
_The first time she stayed at their house was a couple weeks after Ben moved back. Rey had nowhere else to go that night since she'd snuck out to be with a boyfriend that Maz and her friends did not approve of. Michael was eighteen, attractive, lived on Ben's side of the city, drove a Ferrari and played soccer. Rey was halfway drunk when he said he needed to "step outside for some fresh air". After thirty minutes, she wandered around until she found him in the poolhouse fucking another girl._  
  
 _After slapping Michael across the face and breaking up with him, Rey ran until her lungs felt like they were going to explode. She had no idea where they were since Michael had driven them. The first person she thought to call for help wasn't one of her friends and she sure as hell was not calling Maz or Leia. For some reason, she called Ben. She knew she had woken him up by the raspy sound of his voice when he answered. After seeing someone's full address painted on the side of a curb, Rey was able to tell Ben exactly where she was._  
  
 _Several minutes later, Ben's car was speeding down the street towards her. He threw it in park and left it running as he ran to her side looking like he just rolled out of bed. His dark hair was a tousled mess around his head. The only thing he had on were red sweatpants that hung low on his hips. He was also wearing the ridiculous black bear paw shaped slippers Rey had gotten him as a gag gift for Christmas three years ago. She tried and failed not to stare at his muscular upper body. Then she was overcome with a wave of nausea and fell to the ground, throwing up._  
  
 _Ben didn't care that she was a sobbing mess with remnants of throw up on her mouth or dress. He knelt down beside her, hugged her closely and rubbed her back gently. She wasn't sure how long they stayed like that - her crying into his bare chest and him whispering things she didn't remember into her hair and kissing her on the forehead. Eventually, she stopped crying long enough to stand and he took her back to his house so she could clean up and get some sleep._  
  
He and Armitage weren't used to having anyone, let alone a teenage girl stay the night so her first night there had been interesting. She used Ben's shampoo and bodywash then wore some of his old clothes eventhough they swallowed her whole. Over the course of the next few months, the guest room transformed into her room. The bathroom was now fully stocked with anything and everything a teenage girl could want or need. The closet and dresser were filled with clothing Rey brought over from home or clothes Ben no longer wore.   
  
After a nice, hot shower Rey dug through the dresser and pushed aside the things that would fit her opting instead to wear one of Ben's old Yavin Community College shirts with some black sweatpants that she had to roll several times then tie in order to prevent them from falling off her hips. She braided her hair to one side slung over her shoulder then wandered downstairs. It smelled like cinnamon rolls, eggs and bacon. Ben was standing at the stove with his back to her. Rey tried not to stare at the way his muscles moved under the plain white shirt he had on.   
  
"Hey," she said, making a face at how hoarse she sounded.  
  
"Good morning, Sweetheart," Ben smiled at her over his shoulder. "How did you sleep?"  
  
"Better than I have in a while," Rey said, as she sat down at the island.   
  
"Cinnamon rolls will be done soon and I just finished cooking bacon. The way you like it. Extra crispy," Ben turned off the stove. "How's your head?"  
  
"Still hurts a little, but the shower felt nice."  
  
Ben nodded as he pulled a bottle of aspirin out of the medicine cabinet and slid it across the counter to her along with a water bottle. "Armitage wanted to force feed you aspirin last night, but you were passed out. Must've been some party."  
  
The timer on the oven started beeping. Ben was silent as he took them out of the oven to cool. Then he turned around to face her with his arms crossed.   
  
"You really shouldn't do that shit anymore, Sweetheart."  
  
"What shit?" Rey frowned.  
  
"Sneaking out. Partying. Hooking up with random guys." He said those last words like they were poison on his tongue.   
  
Rey rolled her eyes. "Oh you're one to talk Mister I-Used-To-Sneak-Out-And-Hook-Up-With-Random-Girls-When-I-Was-Supposed-To-Be-Hanging-Out-With-My-Younger- Best-Friend." She was being sarcastic about the last part, but Ben didn't seem to be catching on if the way he was glaring at her was any indication.  
  
"It's been years since I've done that and it wasn't multiple girls, Sweetheart. It was just one. And she wasn't random. I actually knew her. Besides, it's in the past so why bring it up?"  
  
Rey didn't miss the way he sounded a little angry and hurt, but she shrugged it off and watched as he iced the cinnamon rolls then divided the food onto two plates.   
  
"You should really stop calling me Sweetheart, by the way," said Rey, as he handed her a plate before sitting next to her. "Especially in front of other people. They'll think you have a crush on me or something which is actually kind of gross."   
  
"Why is that gross?"   
  
"Ew, Ben seriously?" Rey crinkled her nose in disgust as she looked over at him. "For one thing, you're like a brother to me." She saw Ben tense up slightly when she said that but kept going. "You're also eight years older than me. And you've pretty much hated me since the moment we met."  
  
"I was a stupid teenager back then, Rey. I didn't actually hate you."  
  
"Yeah?" Rey laughed. "Could've fooled me all those times you told me you did."  
  
"Have you always meant everything you've ever said, Rey?" He was confusingly defensive.  
  
She frowned a little and shrugged. "I mean...I guess not."  
  
"Well then there you go."   
  
Rey rolled her eyes.   
  
"I saw that, Sweetheart," Ben said with a small smile on his face not even looking in her direction.  
  
His phone screen lit up with a text and when he turned away to look at it, Rey flipped him off.  
  
"I saw that, too."  
  
"I hate you," Rey muttered.  
  
"No, you don't."  
  
After that, they ate in silence. Ben sent off a text to his mom confirming their weekend plans and one to a co worker about some checks that needed to be signed and mailed out. Rey was nearly done eating by the time he put his phone down.   
  
"Does Maz know you own that dress you wore to the party last night?" Ben asked, ignoring his nearly full plate of food in favor of looking at Rey. He was trying and failing very hard at not thinking about how Rey looked in that dress.  
  
Rey snorted. "Yeah right. Like Maz would let me leave my room wearing something like that."  
  
"Where did you even get it?"  
  
"Jannah gave me a lot of her old clothes before she went to college."  
  
Ben rolled his eyes. "And I bet most of them look like that."  
  
"So what if they do?" Rey frowned. "I know you're older and more mature so you feel like you have some sort of authority over my life, but you don't so I'd appreciate it if you'd stop parenting me."   
  
"Alright. Fine," said Ben. "Whatever you want. Sweetheart."  
  
"I really, _really_ hate that nickname," Rey muttered and he smirked.   
  
"Get used to it, because I'm not going to stop calling you that anytime soon."  
  
"Whatever," said Rey, picking up her empty plate and taking it to the sink to rinse off. "Hey where's Armie?"  
  
"He had an early flight this morning to Canto Bight. He's spending the next week with Rose and her family."  
  
"Oh," said Rey, trying not to sound as resentful as she felt. "That's nice."   
  
Rey hadn't officially met Rose yet. Not in person. Rose Tico was Armitage's beautiful younger soulmate. Rey said hi to her once when Armitage was video chatting with her. Rey was over at their house getting Ben's help on some math homework when she heard Armitage talking to a girl and asked Ben who it was. Rose and Armitage had a six year age difference and were waiting until Rose was eighteen before getting married. They already had their wedding and honeymoon all planned out despite the fact they had three years to go before it would happen. Rey felt the cold sting of jealousy whenever she heard about Rose. She wished she had that. Someone like Armitage who truly cared about and appreciated her. Someone she knew would be by her side for the rest of their lives. Someone who loved her the only way a soulmate could. The soulmate she apparently didn't have. Rey glanced down at the bracelets that covered up her soul mark.  
  
"Is everything okay?" Ben broke into her thoughts and Rey realized he was standing right behind her with his own empty plate. She had apparently gotten so lost in thought Ben had time to finish eating.   
  
"Oh. Uhm. Yeah. Here let me..." she took his plate and rinsed it off before putting it in the dishwasher.   
  
Ben stayed in very close proximity to her studying her profile. She knew he saw the unshed tears and hoped he wouldn't say anything. When she dried off her hands and turned around to face him, concern was all over his face. Rey looked at the ground and swallowed back the lump in her throat.   
  
"So who brought me here this time and what time was it?" she asked.  
  
"Jessika and it was almost four."  
  
"I guess you told Maz?" Ben nodded and she groaned. "Ugh. She's going to ground me forever this time."   
  
Rey squeezed around Ben to walk into the living room, where she grabbed the remote and sat down on the couch. Ben sat down beside her and let her choose the channel. She chose Hallmark. It was a rerun of some old cheesy holiday movie. Ben rolled his eyes and nudged her gently in the arm with his elbow.   
  
"You and I both know grounding does nothing," he said. "You'll just sneak out again next weekend."  
  
She smiled at him. "And you'll once again be my hangover knight in shining armor with the delicious homecooked meals, soft bed, warm shower and clean clothes."  
  
Ben only nodded in response then they fell into silence. Rey was doing just fine, until Ben put his arm up on the couch behind her. Then suddenly her heart was racing and her palms were getting clammy. She was hardly paying attention to the movie which was fine since she'd seen it a dozen or more times. Her focus was on the large warm body next to her with his arm around her shoulders even if it wasn't really touching her shoulders. It was close enough to derail her train of thought.  
  
He'd been acting strange in recent years. Especially since he moved back. He was much nicer than when he was a teenager, which was why she came over so often. And it wasn't just after sneaking out to go party. They hung out a lot especially over the summer when he got off work. When school and volleyball started back up, they hung out around Rey's schedule, too. They even hung out on weekends just like old times, but this time it was because they wanted to and not because they were being forced to.  
  
The first few times Ben joined her for Friday movie nights in the summer with her friends, they thought Ben was Rey's secret boyfriend. Rey was very quick to shut that down, but couldn't help the part of her that wished it was true. Feelings had been surfacing for him lately that she didn't want to linger on. Ever since that night several months ago when he came to her rescue after Michael broke her heart, Rey started seeing him differently. But she knew it was crazy to see him as anything other than a brother to her. Ben had already met his soulmate and Rey didn't have one. There was no way they could be together even if he somehow felt the same. Which he didn't.  
  
"Rey, is something wrong?" Ben's concerned voice broke into her thoughts and she realized she had been staring at him.   
  
"I...uhm..." she stammered. "Did Jessika give you my phone? I haven't seen it since the party."  
  
Ben's look of concern morphed into something that looked a lot like anger, but Rey shrugged it off. "Oh yeah. Sorry I didn't tell you sooner. Finn brought it by this earlier this morning before you woke up. Battery was dead, so it's charging in my room."  
  
"Thank god," Rey said, frowning down at her hands that were clasped tightly in her lap. "I lost track of it last night. Did he say where he found it?"  
  
His response wasn't immediate and when Rey looked over at him, she noticed the way he was clenching his jaw and the way his eyes darkened slightly. "He found it under a bed."  
  
Rey wasn't sure why he was so tense and tried to ignore it as she looked back at the tv. But it was hard to ignore when she could tell he was upset about something. She hated when Ben got like this. It reminded her too much of when he was a teenager. An unpredictable emotional timebomb. Finally, after what seemed like hours but was only minutes, Ben spoke again.  
  
"Who the hell is Brad Stephens?" The words were dripping with venom.   
  
It was Rey's turn to tense up when she remembered the aggressive basketball player from last night. The one who's name she hadn't known until they were upstairs in Snap's parent's bedroom of all places about to have sex. He'd told her to scream his full name when he made her come. "Wh - what?"  
  
"The guy Jessika found you with at the party last night," said Ben in an accusatory tone. "The one you were on that bed with when your phone fell. Who the hell is he?"  
  
"Oh yeah him," Rey shifted uncomfortably. "I didn't know that's what his name was until...until we were..."   
  
Ben drew in a sharp breath and Rey looked at him, immediately wishing she hadn't. There was a whirl of emotions in his darkened gaze. Anger. Sadness.   
  
"I...but we...we didn't," Rey stammered. "I swear, Ben. We just...but not..."  
  
"Jessika said you were passed out when she found you."  
  
"And I probably was. He got me another drink before we went upstairs. He put something in it. I should've known better. I swear, Ben, I wouldn't have...I..." Rey wasn't sure why she was even discussing this with Ben. It's not like he had a right to know. It was clear that it was upsetting him for reasons Rey didn't understand. "He's...a bad kisser and really likes to make his mark."  
  
Ben's eyes went to the hickeys on her neck. The hickeys he knew were also across her chest. He was breathing deeply through his nose trying to calm himself down. But he could feel it. The overwhelming emotions about to boil over. But he didn't want it to happen. Not now. Not in front of her. So he quickly jumped up and ran a hand through his hair.   
  
"I can't...I can't do this anymore," he hated the way his voice broke and the way tears flooded his eyes.  
  
He clenched his hands into fists at his sides. Suddenly, he was sixteen again. Always walking around like he had a permanent stormcloud hanging over him. A teenaged powder keg of emotion just waiting to ignite and explode. Even with his back to her, Rey could see the way he was vibrating with anger. Finally he spoke, his voice slightly lower than normal.   
  
"Jessika said he sleeps around."  
  
"Well yeah. I mean...who doesn't, right?" Rey said with nervous laughter.   
  
Ben whirled around to look - no - _glare_ at her. "But you don't." It was more of a statement than a question.   
  
"Don't what?" Rey asked stupidly, her voice pitched a little higher than normal under his intense gaze.  
  
"Sleep around."  
  
Rey thought for a moment. She could be truthful or she could lie. But then again why the hell did it even matter? He didn't need to know anything about her sex life. He didn't deserve to. She didn't know much about his. But she was pretty sure he was off fucking Bazine every time he snuck out. Or if not Bazine, then some other rich bitch he went to that stuffy overpriced private school with. And most likely he fucked a lot of girls when he lived in Yavin, too. No one who looked like Ben would be a virgin at his age.   
  
"So what if I do," Rey said, challengingly. _Stupidly._  
  
Something flashed in his eyes. Something primal. A warning. "You really shouldn't do that anymore then, Sweetheart."  
  
"Ben, what's going on? You're upset about something. So just...sit down and tell me what it is and I can try to help you work through it okay?"  
  
He shook his head and started walking towards the stairs. Rey followed after him.   
  
"Please talk to me, Ben," she said, taking him by the hand.  
  
"You wouldn't understand," he pulled his hand away and walked up to his room. "I'm getting your phone then I'm taking you home."  
  
Rey continued following closely behind. She shut the door to his room and stood in front of it with her arms crossed. Ben snatched her phone from the charger and tossed it at her, nearly hitting her in the face.   
  
"Ben, what the hell?" she frowned, as he stalked over to her.   
  
"Did you mean it?" his eyes searched hers.   
  
"Did I mean what?"  
  
"You know what, Rey," he growled.   
  
"No I really honestly don't."  
  
"How many guys have you fucked?"  
  
"What?" Rey frowned.  
  
Ben took a few steps forward until Rey's back hit the closed door. "You fucking heard me, Rey. Don't act stupid."  
  
"Alright. Fine. I did hear you. I am just not really sure why it matters."   
  
"IT JUST DOES OKAY?!" Ben suddenly shouted, causing Rey to cower slightly.   
  
"But why?"  
  
"It's...it's nothing. Now please move so I can take you home."  
  
"No. I'm not moving until you tell me what's really going on," Rey crossed her arms again and lifted her chin in defiance.   
  
"Rey -"  
  
"Why won't you talk to me?"  
  
"Why won't you answer my question?"  
  
"Why do you want to know so badly? What will knowing how many guys I've fucked do for you? You're clearly upset about it!"  
  
"Because I have a right to be!"   
  
Rey frowned. "What the hell do you mean you have a right to be? I don't understand."   
  
"That's just it isn't it? You wouldn't understand. Because you don't. You know nothing. You're nothing," Ben said, looking her straight in the eyes.  
  
"You don't mean that," said Rey, her lower lip quivering and tears threatening to spill out.   
  
Ben let out a frustrated cry and turned away from her. "Rey I just...if you only knew."  
  
"If I only knew what?" Rey said through her tears. "Tell me so I can know. So I can understand."   
  
"I just...I wish... God if...but you don't," Ben was sitting on his bed now, head in his hands. "You really have no clue. But even if I...I don't know if I can, but I should and...Jesus why is this so difficult?"   
  
Rey silently wept with her face in her hands, as she slowly slipped down the door until she was sitting with her knees curled up to her chest. Luke's accusatory voice from when Ben first arrived in Yavin slithered into his mind.   
  
**_"This was the way you chose to do things, Ben."  
  
_**"Stop!" Ben said outloud, causing Rey to look up at him through her tears in confusion.  
  
"Stop what?" she asked, but he didn't hear her.  
  
 ** _"You chose to let her have her freedom."  
  
_**"No, this isn't what I wanted," Ben said looking up at the ceiling confusing Rey even further.  
  
"Ben, who are you talking to?"  
  
 ** _"You chose not to tell her who you are to her."  
_**  
"I can't now. It's...it's too late," Ben said, as his own tears began to fall unbidden.   
  
Rey slowly stood up and walked over to him. But he barely noticed when she knelt down in front of him, taking both his hands in hers and begged him to talk to her.   
  
**_"You only have yourself to blame for the shitty way you feel."_**  
  
He barely felt the way Rey had now climbed onto his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck while she cried on his shoulder begging for him to come back from whatever headspace he was lost in. But all he saw were flashbacks to that fateful night when he was seventeen in the alley beside the strip club. The night he nearly lost his life. And all he continued to hear was Luke's voice from the past. 

**_"You're the only one to blame for your broken heart."_ **

_**"You're the only one to blame for the consequences  
you will now suffer for the rest of your life because you  
decided you didn't want her."** _

_**"Every time she talks to someone else,  
dates someone else,  
kisses someone else,  
make loves to someone else...  
that's on you."** _

Ben shook his head furiously trying to get Luke's voice out of his head. Rey continued to try and get him to respond to her, both hands on his face. Her eyes frantically searching his now seemingly vacant eyes. _  
  
**"Someday, she will fall in love but it won't last  
because it won't be with her soulmate.  
That's the life you've forced her into without  
even consulting her. She wants to belong.  
She needs someone who will love her no matter what.  
And that clearly isn't going to be you."**_

**_"Being your soulmate has been nothing but a curse to her."_ **

"NO!" Ben shouted and stood up, causing Rey to tumble out of his lap and onto the floor.  
  
"Ben?" Rey said, fearfully looking up at him.  
  
He clenched his fists at his sides and shook his head. "I need to take you home, Rey. Now."  
  
The tone of his voice told her not to argue with him but Rey was nothing if not stubborn. He swung his bedroom door open with so much force it dented the wall. Rey ran after him as he pounded down the stairs muttering under his breath. He grabbed his car keys from the hook by the garage door then Rey grabbed his hand.   
  
"Ben wait."  
  
He refused to look at her.   
  
"Ben, please. Look at me."  
  
He briefly shut his eyes and took a deep breath, before turning around to face her. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying. Tear tracks stained her freckled cheeks. But even like this, Ben thought she was beautiful. She was perfect. His Rey. His soulmate. His entire fucking universe. And she had no clue.   
  
"I'm sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. I guess I just...still have some things to work through."  
  
Rey nodded and threaded her fingers through his. "Could you text Maz and tell her I'm staying a little longer? I don't want to go home yet."  
  
"Rey -"  
  
"Please Ben? I want to be here with you for just a little bit longer. We don't have to watch Hallmark or talk about...whatever just happened. I just want to be with you."  
  
Ben looked at her for a moment and smiled at her weakly. She said she wanted to be with him, but she didn't mean it the way he wished she did. She was just doing this to make sure he didn't make any rash decisions since his emotions were out of control. Leia probably put her up to it. Finally, he sighed and nodded.   
  
"Okay. But only half an hour," he said.  
  
"Two hours?"  
  
"One hour."  
  
"Three?"  
  
"You're ridiculous," Ben shook his head a little. "Fine. I'll text Maz and see if she's okay with it."  
  
Rey smiled and it was like the sun coming out after a long, dark storm. And later when he would finally take her home closer to midnight, Maz would ask when he planned to tell Rey they were soulmates. And because it was only a few weeks away, he would say _"On her sixteenth birthday."_

**~*~*~*~*~*~**  
  
 **8 years ago**  
[Ben is 15]

"I can't do it," Ben said at dinner a few weeks after his parents found out Rey was his soulmate. "I can't marry her."  
  
Leia sighed. She was growing tired of this conversation. They'd been having the same one everyday for the past month with varying degrees of volume level. "No one expects you to marry her anytime soon. You can wait until she's eighteen."  
  
Ben shook his head. "I'm _not_ marrying her at any age."  
  
"Whether or not you find it disgusting -"  
  
"I do."  
  
" - she is still your soulmate. Nothing will ever change that."   
  
“And in case you've somehow forgotten...she's a child! There's just too much of an age gap."  
  
"Your father and I have the same age gap," Leia pointed out.   
  
Ben rolled his eyes. "That's different and you know it."  
  
"How's it different?"   
  
"You met later in life when it wasn't creepy and gross!" Ben exclaimed. "You weren't a damn child! No matter what age she is, I will always be too old for her."  
  
Leia briefly shut her eyes and rubbed her forehead like she had a headache. "You say that now, but someday when she's older and you're more mature, you will change your mind."  
  
"Pretty sure I won't," Ben muttered. "And anyway, someday I do plan to get married. Just not to her. Plus, I've been doing a lot of research -"  
  
"Here we go..."  
  
" - and there have been many people who have married someone that isn't their soulmate. Someone they're actually in love with."  
  
"Those relationships fall apart more times than not," said Leia. "Look what happened with your Uncle Luke."

"Oh my god, Mom, please stop talking about him," Ben groaned in frustration and fought the urge to bang his head against the table. "Luke isn't the only example of what can happen when you refuse a soulmate."  
  
He _hated_ when she brought up his uncle, her eccentric twin brother. Luke met his soulmate young and they had a ten year age gap. As the older one, Luke refused the girl which resulted in a multitude of failed toxic relationships that eventually drove him mad. After years of therapy, Luke moved to some small mountain town on the other side of the country.  
  
"True, but he's an example of what happens most of the time," Leia said.  
  
Ben stared at her for a long moment, trying to prevent the anger that was quickly bubbling up from spilling out. There was no use in arguing anymore about this with her. She already had her mind made up as far as his soul mark and soulmate were concerned. So he took out his cell phone to text Bazine about meeting up later.  
  
"Whatever," Ben shrugged. "I'm still not fucking marrying her."  
  
"Benjamin -"  
  
"What?" Ben leveled her with a glare.   
  
He knew he was a disappointment to his parents in so many ways. And this was long before Rey came into the picture. He wasn't into sports or cars so his relationship with his dad was next to non existent since they didn't seem to have anything in common. He was on the football team briefly, but mostly sat on the bench and quit halfway through the season never to look back. He didn't apply himself in school, making grades just high enough to barely pass. His chosen group of friends skipped school a lot and had a habit of reeking havoc all over the city.   
  
Now he was a disappointment because he refused to accept a damn child as his soulmate. And he was positive Rey would agree with him if she knew. As far as Ben was concerned, soul marks and soulmates were all a stupid myth. Without a word, he stood up to leave the room because Bazine wanted to him to call her. But he paused in the doorway.  
  
"Does she even know?" he asked.  
  
Leia looked at him questioningly. "What?"  
  
"Does Rey know I'm her soulmate?"  
  
Leia shook her head. "Maz hasn't said anything to her, because we came to the agreement that you'd tell Rey yourself when she's older remember?"  
  
"My soul mark burned the moment I saw her, but she didn't react to me at all so does she even know her soul mark timed out?"  
  
"Ben -"  
  
"If she doesn't know, then maybe I'm not her soulmate after all. Maybe my soul mark is wrong."  
  
"Soul marks are never wrong."  
  


**~*~*~*~*~*~**  
  
 **6 years ago**  
[Ben is 17]  
  


Ben's cellphone started ringing halfway through The World is Not Enough. Luke was fast asleep and snoring loudly in his favorite worn leather armchair. Rolling his eyes, Ben looked to see who was calling. Leia. Of course. Most likely making sure Ben was still behaving himself. Besides Leia and on rare occasions even Han, no one else called. Ben was given a new phone and a new number before he was sent away. His only saved contacts were his parents, Luke, Maz and Rey. Outside, it was raining as steadily as it had been for the past week or so. It rained often in Yavin. Rey would love it here. Ben finally answered his phone before it went to voicemail.   
  
"What?"  
  
 _"Is that any way to speak to your mother?"_  
  
"Sorry. Hi mom. What do you want?"  
  
 _"Is Luke there? I've been trying to call him."_  
  
"Yeah, but he's asleep. We've been watching movies all day."  
  
 _"Of course you have,"_ Leia laughed a little. _"Please have him call me when he wakes up. I just have a few questions."_  
  
"Sure."  
  
He rolled his eyes. Probably questions about Ben's progress. He leaned back on the couch and stared up at the ceiling fan. Leia called once or twice a week just to check in. In the beginning she called daily because Ben was so volatile and unpredictable. He'd been living in Yavin with Luke now for around eight months and still wasn't used to it. Bazine's wedding had already happened. Not that he cared. Not _really_. He knew exactly when it was though. June 2. She'd sent an invitation to his parents and he wasn't sure if it was because she truly wanted them there or if she was just being cruel. On her wedding night, Ben drank through Luke's not so hidden alcohol stash. Then he emotionally drunk dialed Bazine only to find that it was no longer a working number.   
  
Because he transferred halfway through his junior year, Luke took it upon himself to homeschool Ben for the rest of his high school career. Leia kept dropping heavy hints about how she "would love it" if Ben also went to college in Yavin. It was really irritating how she was still controlling his life despite the fact he no longer lived with her. Besides homeschooling, some other things he had to get used to were early morning meditation sessions with Luke and seeing a therapist twice a week. Ben didn't understand why he was seeing a therapist. He wasn't crazy. He was just severely misunderstood and tired of everyone's bullshit.  
  
It didn't take long for Ben to become a recluse just like Luke. He barely left the house unless it was to get gas for Luke's beat up truck or to buy groceries. Ben also wasn't allowed to have his own vehicle due to how rebellious he was back in Chandrila. And he was only allowed to leave the house if Luke was with him to monitor what he did.   
  
"So..." Leia broke into his thoughts. "How are you doing?"  
  
Ben wasn't really sure how to answer that. While he had better days recently, he still hated being here. Yavin was nothing like Chandrila. There was literally nothing to do. It was a small tight knit community where everyone knew everyone else. There were only four stoplights downtown and everyone was overly friendly and everyone knew Luke. So of course everyone knew about his mysterious nephew from the big city who tried to kill himself.  
  
Rumors in Yavin spread quicker than in Chandrila. Ben didn't have any friends because almost everyone was afraid of him. But he didn't really care. There was that one annoying redhead who kept stopping by. One of the neighbor's annoying kids who was the same age as Ben. He was nice enough, but Ben kept turning down his invitations to hang out. But the red head - Arnold or Artem or Blake or something like that - was persistent and Ben knew one day he'd probably cave in just so the guy could finally see that Ben really wasn't someone worth having as a friend and leave him alone already. Ben was perfectly content with using his free time alone or with Luke to binge watch tv shows and eat junk food.   
  
"Yeah I'm fine," Ben finally answered.  
  
 _"Glad to hear it. Your father and I are fine too. Better than fine. He's been spending a lot more time at home these days. Not drinking as much as he used to. It's been nice."_  
  
"Oh. Cool."  
  
 _"Yeah. I think so, too."_  
  
He knew the sound of a smile in her voice and smiled a little. He really was happy his parents were finally getting along. For a long while, all they did was fight and that's what made Ben want to get out of the house. Han traveled too much and Leia spent too much time on her charity work. They didn't have time for each other let alone Ben. Looking back, he realized he probably should've made more of an effort with them instead of hiding in his room or sneaking out to get away. Maybe if he was a nicer, less angry kid he'd still be at home.  
  
Then he remembered the real reason why he was here and looked down at his wrist. There was still a scar where that faceless thug had sliced through his skin with a knife. But the soul mark was still there. Distorted, but there. A reminder. Ben moved his gaze from the ceiling fan to the living room window. The rain was coming down in heavy sheets now. He could barely see the house next door. The one where the red head lived.   
  
_"How's your friend? That neighbor kid. His name has slipped my mind..."_  
  
Ben shrugged even though she couldn't see him. "He's fine. He invited us over for dinner last night."  
  
 _"That was nice of him. Did you go?"_  
  
"No."  
  
 _"Why not?"_ Leia sounded disappointed.   
  
"Didn't feel like it. Neither did Luke."  
  
 _"Well you could've gone over by yourself. I'm sure Luke would've let you. He said he's a nice kid. A good kid. You need good friends in your life, Ben. Luke says you spend a lot of time in your room. You're not sneaking out are you?"_  
  
"What the hell would I sneak out to do? Wrestle a bear? Get lost in the woods and eaten by a mountain lion?"  
  
 _"Have you been seeing anyone, Ben?"_  
  
"I've been seeing a therapist and I still don't understand why. I'm not fucking crazy, but thanks for making me feel like I am."   
  
_"I meant...have you been dating or sneaking out to be with girls like you did with Ba -"_  
  
"No, Mom," Ben cut her off, as he tightened his grip on the phone. "I haven't been dating or sneaking out. I really do just like to be here in the house alone. Besides, everyone here knows Luke so if anyone saw me out, he would hear about it."  
  
 _"I can talk to Luke and see about letting you go out on your own sometimes. I think you should try to meet people. Good people."_  
  
"No. I really do not want to hang out with anyone. I don't need friends."  
  
Leia sighed and Ben knew she was rubbing her forehead. Just like old times. There were moments when Ben was extremely upset or sad to the point of feeling like he was drowning with no chance of surfacing. In those moments he wondered what would've happened all those months ago if he hadn't been found in that alley by a security guard on a smoke break. How long would it have been before someone found him? Would he have bled out and died? And there were even darker moments, Ben wished he would have. What was the point in existing when he felt like he had nothing and no one to live for?   
  
_"That's not true," his mother had told him during one such moment over the phone. "You have plenty to live for. There are those of us who love and care about you. And who want to see you get better. Not just for yourself, but for Rey, too."_  
  
Rey.   
  
"How is Rey?" Ben said before he could stop himself.   
  
_"She's good. Great actually. Doing really well in school. Won the spelling bee this past Spring. Went to her first school dance. I helped with hair and make up. She looked so pretty. She has quite the group of friends, too. They've been hanging out a lot this summer."_  
  
"That's...cool. I guess."  
  
 _"Yeah she's really happy. I wish you were, too."_  
  
"I am happy, mom. But I'm also really tired. So..."  
  
 _"Right. I forget sometimes. You're two hours ahead. Go ahead and get some sleep. Don't forget to tell Luke to call me tomorrow, please."_  
  
"I'll tell him," Ben nodded, as he rubbed his eyes. "Bye mom."  
  
 _"Love you, son."_  
  
He hung up and was mad there were tears in his eyes which he quickly wiped away. Luke was still snoring and the movie was nearing it's end. But Ben was no longer interested in watching, so he turned off the tv, put a blanket over Luke then headed to his room. It wasn't nearly as big or fancy as his room growing up but it was enough. He still had his own bathroom and a tv. It wasn't a big screen mounted to the wall. It was boxy and sat on the corner of his dresser. Instead of a laptop, he had a desktop. Luke really wasn't into technology until Ben moved in.   
  
After a quick shower, Ben plugged his phone in to charge then turned off the light and burrowed under the covers. He'd never asked his mom if Rey knew why he was sent away. Thankfully, he hadn't been forced to see Rey after that night in the alley. But it was for the best because he would've blamed Rey for his bad decision that nearly got him killed. He would've yelled until she cried. Then his parents would've yelled at him. It would've been an endless cycle of yelling and telling Ben what a horrible awful selfish person he was. And he knew it was the truth.   
  
Closing his eyes, Ben listened to the rain and hoped he would fall asleep soon despite the fact his thoughts were all over the place. After about fifteen minutes of tossing and turning, his thoughts calmed down and he finally felt himself slipping into sleep. His thoughts traveled into the deepest part of his mind. The place that wasn't reserved for Bazine, his old friends, his previous strained relationship with his parents, his hatred for school, his resentment for being sent to Yavin or his fear of the future. No. In these moments somewhere between wakefulness and sleep, Ben thought of one thing and one thing only. No. Not a thing. A person. Rey.  
  
Over the past couple years of forced weekend and holiday hangouts, Ben had learned many things about her. Things that he kept buried. Things that he didn't like to think about when he was fully awake. Because he knew it would mean something. Something that he wasn't ready to understand or admit to himself let alone anyone else. Not even his therapist had tapped into this side of him. And he planned to keep it that way.   
  
Ben knew Rey had never seen the ocean in person. Hell, she'd never even seen a lake in person until their first holiday together at the lakehouse in Naboo. It was for Thanksgiving. On that same trip, he learned she'd actually never even been outside of Chandrila because that's where she was born, abandoned and raised. He knew she liked watching sunrises, sunsets and stargazing. He was always the one by her side when she experienced them. They'd get on the trampoline at his house or go to the treehouse when they were in Naboo and spend hours in silence just watching until one or both of them fell asleep.   
  
He knew she preferred rainy weather but without the thunder and the lightning. He wondered if she'd ever come visit him in Yavin. She'd like it here if she did. He knew she was allergic to pecans and crab. Her favorite kind of food was Thai food. She would eat rice with everything if she could. She actually loved brussels sprout and asparagus. She was afraid of heights, total darkness and thunder. Her favorite color was black which was a surprise since her room and wardrobe mostly consisted of bright, happy colors.   
  
He knew the sound of her light snoring when she was fast asleep due to the few times they'd taken naps together during their forced hangouts and he'd wake up first. He knew she was cold natured but still kept the fan on even in the dead of winter because she loved to wrap herself up in layers of blankets until she resembled an oversized fuzzy burrito. Rey also had a bad habit of biting her nails and grinding her teeth. She hated her freckles and how long her legs were, referring to herself often as a baby giraffe.  
  
Ben also knew that when Rey was really upset, she got quiet and shut out the world. When she cried, it wasn't loud or even ugly. She was a silent crier and covered her face because she didn't want anyone to ever see her like that. When she was happy or laughing, her smile got so big that her eyes and nose would scrunch up in the most adorable way. When she was deep in thought or frowning, there were two creases that appeared on her forehead. One time, Ben kissed her there just to piss her off. (It worked.)   
  
He'd seen her when she had nightmares. He'd held her after she woke up crying. In those moments, he wanted nothing more than to protect her. To take away the nightmares and find those responsible for putting them there in order to make them suffer. He knew her life before Maz was hard. She'd known true neglect and starvation. She'd been locked inside dark closets and had to sleep on the concrete floor of basements chained to a wall as punishment for disobeying. Disobeying usually meant when she would dare look up from the ground or when she'd ask for a snack after being denied a meal for two days for no reason. He knew she suffered through abuse he couldn't even begin to understand the depths of. And he knew she would always carry the scars both internal and external.  
  
 _"I'll kill them all," he had said to Rey one of the times she'd woken up from a nap hysterical. "I'll make them suffer first though."_  
  
 _"Don't say that," was her teary eyed response._  
  
 _Ben said nothing else, but he was so angry and she could tell._  
  
 _"Why do you even care?" she sobbed. "I'm nothing."_  
  
 _Ben had bitten his tongue to prevent himself from saying the first thing that popped into his head which was "Not to me."_  
  
He'd spent so much of their time together outwardly hating her when she had no idea they were cosmically bound. Ben knew he was wrong to treat her the way that he did. But it was so much easier than facing the truth. The truth he tried so long and so hard to avoid. The truth that he was finally beginning to understand and slowly learning to accept.   
  
It was always there in those moments sitting by her side watching the sun rise and set. It was there in the moments he'd watch her staring up at the stars in wonder. It was there in the moments he'd wake up before her and he'd listen to her quiet breathing. It was there in those rare moments they laughed until they cried and their sides hurt.  
  
It was especially there in those moments when she opened up and told him about the things she'd been through before Maz. She was mature for her age since she had to grow up quickly in order to survive all those years of torment. It was a combination of all those seemingly insignificant moments where Ben temporarily forgot about why he felt like he needed to act like he hated her. Something was always there in the background. And he knew now more than ever what it was.   
  
Rey was growing up and Ben was close to having no more fight left in him. No more hateful words or any desires to be with anyone but her. He loved her. He always had. It wasn't romantic love. At least not yet. But it was only a matter of time before it would be. He was in danger. In danger of falling completely in love with her the way he was always meant to. It felt like he was a standing on the edge of a black hole that was threatening to swallow him whole at any moment. And he knew he would welcome it when it finally did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I need to word vomit some more. One thing I wrestled with while brainstorming this story was how experienced Rey would be. I already knew from the beginning I wanted Ben to have experience but still technically be a virgin (he doesn't stick his dick in anyone else) 
> 
> I've noticed there's a bit of a double standard in this fandom when it comes to who is/isn't a virgin. People have a tendency to slut shame Rey if she's experienced but are okay with Ben/Kylo being a fuckboi. So if it really bothers you that Rey isn't a virgin and Ben is...then you may not want to move forward with this story. I will mention things from Rey's past and a little in the future that are about her being with other people. I have updated the tags to reflect the direction I am taking. If you choose to keep reading (which I really hope you do) I promise there is an HEA for these two. It's just going to take a bit longer than I originally anticipated.
> 
> I really appreciate everyone who's taken the time to read this angsty lil fic of mine <3 I am always very nervous putting my writing out there (partly why I take so damn long sometimes to update) but every kudos and supportive comment I get helps me realize that I'm not completely screwing this up. So thank you all!


	4. This was the place I grew up, now it's ashes to ashes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been over a month... Unfortunately, I write stories as I go instead of having several chapters written before I publish. And on top of that, I just have a bad update schedule =/ Please forgive me?
> 
> This chapter was a little difficult to write at times for personal reasons which was partly why it's taken me so long to publish. It's more Rey-centric and isn't any less angsty. Her past relationships are brought up so there will be mention of underage consensual sex though I will not go into detail. She also has a pregnancy scare. As I said at the end of the last chapter, there will be no slut shaming/double standards here. 
> 
> // TW // This version of Rey copes with her insecurities in unhealthy ways at a young age in order to feel something other than inadequate and lonely. 
> 
> We are getting closer to the end of this ride on the pain train. I've mapped out the rest of the story and can tell you now that C8 is an epilogue set in the future <3
> 
> PS In the last section "Present Day" there are multiple sections in bold that are supposed to be *non linear* flashbacks with no particular age labeling. I hope it's not confusing >.< but wanted to explain just in case

_"You were you,_  
 _and I was I;_  
 _we were two,_  
 _before our time."_  
  
 _\- Always by Lang Leav_  
  
 **~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
** **1 year ago  
** [Rey is 14; Ben is 22]

  
Rey stared down at the pregnancy test in her hand. It was the third one she'd taken in the past week and the result was the same as the others - negative. She knew deep down inside she wasn't pregnant but still... She was paranoid. She was also too young to even be in this situation, but she had been reckless which was normal anytime she was with her boyfriend Aaron.   
  
"I just want to be sure," Rey told him when her period didn't start on schedule. (It started shortly after she took the pregnancy tests.)  
  
"There's no way you're pregnant," he rolled his eyes as he smoked a cigarette. "I think you're just overreacting."  
  
Aaron _hated_ using condoms and when he wouldn't, Rey made him pull out which he also hated. But sometimes, he would "forget" to pull out. It was several times like that mixed with Rey forgetting to take her birth control on schedule that led to her current predicament. She was sitting cross legged on the floor of Jannah's bathroom with her back against the tub. The test was on the tiled floor in front of her. She should've been happy and relieved, but part of her felt kind of sad. There was a knock on the door then Jannah poked her head inside.   
  
"Everything alright?" she asked.   
  
Forcing a smile to her face, Rey nodded as tears filled her eyes. Jannah immediately sat down beside her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. She was like the sister Rey never had. She was three years older, a senior at Chandrila Prep, and had taken Rey under her wing ever since Finn introduced them four years ago. Like Rey, Jannah was a foster child and was adopted by Finn's uncle and aunt when she was five. She also didn't have a soulmate.   
  
Sure, Jannah was the reason Rey partied so much and therefore was also the reason Rey met Aaron. But Jannah didn't judge Rey for the choices she made. None of Rey's other friends liked or approved of Aaron, which consequently drove her to want him even more and caused a riff in all her friendships. Maz didn't know Rey was dating him and she most definitely would not approve.  
  
"Was it negative?" Jannah asked. Rey nodded. "I didn't think you were pregnant even before you took the first test. But I know what it's like to be afraid that you are."  
  
"You've had a pregnancy scare?" Rey looked over at her.  
  
Jannah laughed a little and nodded. "Yeah and it's a good thing I wasn't. My parents would've lost their shit. It was last year. Remember Walter? Now _that_ was a toxic ass relationship. I dodged a bullet by not getting pregnant with his kid. I should've listened to everyone when they told me to stay away."  
  
"Finn and Jess don't like Aaron," Rey muttered, as she drew her knees up to her chest. "But I like him. A lot. It hurts to think about not having him in my life."  
  
"Well, I'm not going to tell you what to do," said Jannah, as she leaned her head back against the edge of the tub. "Just make sure he's treating you right and that you're really, truly happy with him. That's all Finn and Jess want. Is for you to be happy. They don't like seeing you hurt."  
  
It's not like Aaron ever hit her. He was sometimes a little aggressive when he wasn't sober, but he never forced her to do anything she didn't want to do. Rey felt like he treated her as a boyfriend should. Anything she wanted, he got for her. They had to keep their relationship a secret because of his age, but when they did get time alone, he'd let her decide what to do without complaining. Rey could overlook the times he made her miserable, because she felt like she was in love.   
  
"I know what kind of person he is," Rey frowned down at the negative pregnancy test that seemed to taunt her now. "I know what people say about him and that most of the rumors are true. And I know that I'm not the only girl he's slept with. But I still want to be with him. And I wouldn't still be with him, if he didn't treat me right."  
  
She knew she was being unnecessarily defensive but sometimes she couldn't help it. Sometimes she felt like she had to justify her actions and her feelings, even when deep down she knew she was wrong. Jannah was about to say something when Rey's cell phone started ringing. They both looked at the caller ID and Jannah smiled.   
  
"I'll let you get that," she said as she stood up to leave. "Tell Ben I said hi."   
  
After Jannah left and shut the door behind her, Rey answered. "Hi Ben."  
  
 _“You have no idea how good it is to hear your voice, Sweetheart.”_  
  
He really did sound relieved and maybe a little emotional.   
  
“Bad day?” Rey asked.   
  
_“You could say that. I got into another fight with Luke. I didn’t throw anything this time, though.”_  
  
“Did any walls suffer?”  
  
 _“Maybe…”_  
  
Rey sighed. "How's your fist?"  
  
 _"Just a few scratches. A little blood but nothing too bad. How are you?"_  
  
"I'm...I've been better," said Rey truthfully.   
  
_"What's wrong, Sweetheart?"_  
  
"It's...I..."  
  
Rey wondered if she should tell him the truth about her almost predicament. But then again why should she? Sure, they'd gotten closer in his absence, but this? No. She couldn't tell him. They'd somehow always avoided in depth conversations about their personal lives which was good. Besides, Rey was sure she knew everything about Ben and that he knew enough about her.  
  
"It's just...school and volleyball," she lied. "They've really been kicking my ass. I feel like I hardly have any time to relax anymore."   
  
_"I get it. I remember when I played football. Except...I didn't really get to actually play that much but I remember the combination of practices and games on top of school and parties...I sometimes felt so overwhelmed I just wanted to scream."_  
  
"And what would you do when you felt like that?"  
  
 _"I would scream."_  
  
"What?" Rey laughed trying to picture Ben in all his brooding teenage glory randomly screaming in the middle of a game or running drills or in class.   
  
_"I wouldn't do it in front of everyone,"_ Ben said a little defensively. _"Sometimes after games, I'd go back out on the field when hardly anyone was around and just yell as loud as I could."_  
  
"Did that really help?"  
  
 _"Yes and no. It felt good to let go of even just a little bit of what I was feeling inside. It never completely fixed things, but in the moment it felt like a little weight had been lifted off my shoulders."_  
  
Rey nodded and leaned her head back against the edge of the tub. "Ben, can I ask you something?"  
  
 _"You just did."_ She could hear the smirk in his voice and rolled her eyes. He chuckled as if he could see her. _"Go ahead, Sweetheart. Ask me."_  
  
"Did you or any of your friends...were you ever afraid that...you got someone pregnant?"  
  
He drew in a sharp breath followed by an uncomfortable silence. After a few seconds of nothing, Rey glanced at her phone to make sure the call was still connected. "Ben? Are you still there?"  
  
 _"Rey, are...are you pregnant?"_ his voice was quieter now. Softer. It almost sounded like he was scared or hurt.  
  
"Oh my god no!" she lied again. "I...it's...a friend of mine. Yeah! She was uhm...afraid she was pregnant and the guy - her boyfriend - is not good for her. But she still cares about him. And he cares about her too, but a pregnancy would've just...complicated things I guess."  
  
Ben let out a heavy sigh and Rey just knew he was running a hand through his hair while pacing back and forth. _"Rey, is the friend really you?"_  
  
"What? No! I just told you! This has nothing to do with me!" Rey laughed nervously. "Don't be silly! I was just curious. For my friend. You know?"  
  
Another uncomfortable silence followed in which Rey buried her head in her hands. What the hell was she thinking asking him that? This was Ben. The older brother she never had. The once unpredictable teenage maelstrom of emotions. The same Ben who made her feel both hated and loved all at the same time. Ben who was so damn hard to read. Even though she felt like she knew him, she sensed that she still didn't completely know him.   
  
_"No, Rey,"_ he finally said. _"I've never thought I'd gotten anyone pregnant."_  
  
"Well I mean surely there were close calls," Rey prodded even though she wasn't sure why she kept pushing it. She wasn't sure if she wanted to hear his answer.  
  
 _"There were never any close calls, Sweetheart."_  
  
"Oh. Okay. Glad to know you were careful. Contraception is important am I right?" she laughed awkwardly and cringed at herself. **Pull yourself together, Rey!**  
  
Ben didn't say anything and he definitely wasn't laughing. He'd gotten awkwardly quiet again. Rey had a mind to hang up and pretend the call was disconnected. It wouldn't be the first time she did that. Pretended the call dropped when the conversation hit a dead end or got awkward like right now. Thankfully, Jannah chose that moment to come back to the bathroom.  
  
"It's getting close to dinner," she said. "Dad's working late and mom's going out with some friends, so I figured maybe we could eat out somewhere before I take you home."  
  
"Yeah that sounds like fun," Rey nodded. "Just...give me a few more minutes?"   
  
"Take your time," Jannah winked, before leaving again.  
  
 _"Who was that?"_ asked Ben.   
  
"Jannah Windu. I'm hanging out with her today. She says hi by the way."  
  
 _"Oh okay. Yeah uhm...tell her I said hi. I didn't realize you guys hung out. Isn't she a senior this year?"_  
  
"Yep. We've gotten closer the past couple years. She's really cool."  
  
 _"Does she go to parties with you?"_  
  
Rey picked at a loose string on the sleeve of her sweater. "Yeah."  
  
Then she braced herself. This was usually when Ben would lecture her on why she shouldn't be partying especially at her age. It was hypocritical really because according to Han and Leia, Ben started sneaking out to go to parties when he was only in the sixth grade. Leia said she lost her shit when Ben came home with hickeys when he was only twelve.   
  
If anything, Ben should be talking to Rey about his own experiences instead of trying to police her from the other side of the damn country. They'd gotten into a few fights about how "Rey, you're too young to be doing that shit" and "Ben, you're not the boss of me so shut the hell up". It irritated Rey to no end that Ben still seemed to see her as that fragile little seven year old Leia helped Maz adopt.  
  
So when Ben didn't immediately go into his holier than thou "you should listen to me because I'm older and more mature so therefore my word is law" speech, Rey knew that whatever he'd been fighting with Luke about must've been bad. She knows he and Luke clashed a lot in those first couple of years when Ben moved to Yavin.  
  
"Why were you and Luke fighting?" she asked.  
  
 _"He just knows how to get under my skin."  
  
_ "And I'm sure you did nothing wrong," said Rey sarcastically. _  
  
"He was upset, because he found something out about Mara then lashed out at me because I was there. I shouldn't have responded the way I did, because it just escalated things."  
  
_ Rey started to say something when another call started coming through. She saw who it was and let out a heavy sigh.   
  
_"What's wrong?"_ Ben asked.  
  
"Oh it's nothing. Just getting another call."  
  
 _"I can let you go if -"  
  
_ "No no! It's fine. He can wait."  
  
 _"He?"  
  
_ **Shit.  
  
** Ben didn't know about Aaron and Rey didn't want Ben to know about Aaron. She could still change the subject. But then she remembered the times Ben snuck out of her bedroom window during their weekend hangouts to go hook up with Bazine or whoever leaving Rey to cover for him until he came back.  
  
"Yes. _He_. His name is Aaron and he's my boyfriend."  
  
 _"You...have a boyfriend?"  
  
_ "That is literally what I just said," Rey snapped. _  
  
"How long have you been dating?"  
  
_ "I don't know. I don't really keep track. A few months I guess." _  
  
"How come you've never talked about him before?"  
  
_ **Because it's none of your damn business!** Rey wanted to say, but instead... "Just kept forgetting to. Anyways, I should go. I've kept Jannah waiting long enough. I hope you and Luke can work things out. You have before, so you'll get through this too. And try not to punch anymore walls okay?"  
  
 _"I'll try,"_ he sounded depressed.  
  
"That's all I ask."  
  
 _"Have fun with Jannah."_  
  
"Talk to you later, Ben."  
  
When he immediately hung up, she couldn't help but feel a little hurt. Usually, he said something else before hanging up like good bye or... Rey quickly shook her head of _those_ thoughts and left the bathroom. 

**~*~*~*~*~*~**  
  
 **8 years ago**  
[Rey is 7; Ben is 15] **  
**

  
Rey knew Aunt Leia was coming over for a visit around lunch on Saturday. Maz told her as much on Friday night when Rey asked if she could spend the night at Tallie's house.  
  
"You can go for a few hours to hang out, but I'd rather you stay here for the night," Maz said, as she folded laundry at the kitchen table.   
  
Rey groaned. "But why can't I stay the night? Jessika, Zorii and Amanda are!"   
  
"You will have plenty of other opportunities for sleepovers with friends. Leia is coming over tomorrow at some point and I know she'd love to see you."  
  
At that, Rey perked up a little. She loved Aunt Leia and her husband Han. They were such a warm and loving couple who'd known Maz for years. Her late husband Chewie was Han's best friend. The first time Rey met them, they insisted she call them Aunt Leia and Uncle Han despite the lack of a familial relationship.   
  
Maz told Rey that Leia helped with the adoption as well as finding them their house. While Maz wasn't necessarily frail and helpless, she was old and tired out easily making it hard for her to work long hours outside the home. She grew a variety of fruits and vegetables in the backyard that she would sell on weekdays at the local farmer's market while Rey was in school to help bring in some cash. Whatever Maz couldn't afford, Leia and Han took care of.   
  
"Is Uncle Han coming with her?" Rey wondered if he'd bring her some more of those macarons she loved so much. He was always bringing her some special little treat despite Leia and Maz's protests that he was spoiling her.  
  
"Who knows? That man travels so much and so often without warning," Maz chuckled. "Now stop distracting me so I can finish with the laundry. I'll take you to Tallie's once I'm done."   
  
"Thanks Mom!" Rey gave her a quick hug before running off to get ready.   
  
The next morning, Rey ate more than she should have at breakfast so she wasn't in the mood to eat lunch which was when Leia was set to arrive.  
  
"That's alright, she'll understand," Maz said. "You can just play in your room for now, but be sure to come out at some point and say hi. I know she'll want to see you."  
  
When Leia came over around eleven thirty, Rey was in tea party mode. She had on her birthday outfit which made her feel like a princess and she was using the new tea seat Han and Leia had given her. The bedroom door was slightly ajar and she could hear voices in the entryway. Two she recognized as Maz and Leia. The other one was a male voice, but not Han. Han's voice was lower and he spoke loudly even when he thought he was whispering.  
  
The voices got further away as they all went into the dining room and Rey went back to setting up her perfect tea party. She thought she heard something out in the hallway, but didn't look up. A few minutes later, she heard someone running away from her bedroom then the front door slamming shut. It was then that she noticed her door was wide open.  
  
"What on earth?" she heard Leia say. "Oh my god. That was Ben. Where does he think he's going? Ben! Get back here!"   
  
The front door slammed shut again. Rey heard muffled shouting, but couldn't make out exactly what was being said. Whoever this Ben was didn't sound very happy and neither did Leia. Rey was about to go look out her bedroom window when the front door opened and Leia let out an exasperated sigh.   
  
"I'm glad I had my car keys on me or I'm sure he would've driven off," she said. "I'm so sorry Maz."  
  
"No need to apologize," Maz chuckled.   
  
"I'll meet you in the dining room in a few minutes. Ben, come with me. _Now_."  
  
Rey's eyes were trained on the doorway when Leia came into view holding onto Death itself. He was wearing all black and towered over Leia who had a tight grip on his upper arm to keep him from escaping. His shoulders were slumped slightly and Rey couldn't see his face because he was looking at the ground.   
  
"Rey, this is my son Ben," Leia said with a forced smile. He tried pulling away, but she continued to hold him in place. "He's not hungry right now either, so I figured maybe he could hang out in here with you for a little bit?"  
  
Rey's first reaction was to vehemently say no, but she knew it wouldn't matter what she said. Leia was going to leave this specter of a teenage boy in here anyway and Rey had no clue why. The last time she was alone in a room with a guy dressed in all black... Shuddering a little, Rey shoved _that_ memory back into the deepest parts of her mind with all the others. Then she forced a smile to her face and nodded.  
  
"Great!" Leia beamed, as she let go of Ben's arm and started backing out of the room. "I'll be back to check on you guys in a little bit! And Ben, remember what I said. Behave. Or else."  
  
He continued to say nothing as he stared at the ground. Leia gave Rey an apologetic look before finally leaving. Rey was glad the door stayed open. It would be easier for her to escape if she needed to. But for now, she remained right where she was - safely on the opposite side of the room behind the table.  
  
Finally, Ben looked up and Rey's eyes widened as she studied his angular face. His skin was pale like a vampire and dotted with moles and freckles. It was a stark contrast to his shaggy dark hair that fell to just below his chin. His nose and mouth seemed almost too big. His dark eyes glared holes through her and he scowled.   
  
"What the hell are you staring at?" Ben snapped, causing Rey to jump a little. He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket then sat down on the ground with his legs spread out in front of him as he leaned back against the wall. "God, this is so fucking stupid."  
  
Rey didn't hear "colorful language" (as Maz would call it) often. At least not from Maz or Leia. Han used colorful language a lot in front of Rey, but was always reprimanded for it. Maz said it was to protect her ears. But in her previous foster homes, she was used to hearing words like that and most of the time they were directed at her accompanied by a slap or a kick.  
  
"Are you mute or something?" Ben broke into her thoughts. When she frowned, he narrowed his eyes. "Mom didn't say anything about you being mute."  
  
Rey huffed and crossed her arms. "I can talk. I just don't want to talk to you."  
  
"Yeah?" Ben raised an eyebrow with an amused smile on his face. "Well the feelings are mutual, Sweetheart."  
  
Rey wrinkled her nose in disgust. He called her sweetheart. **Gross.** Ben smirked and it reminded Rey of Han.  
  
"Something wrong?" he asked.  
  
"You called me Sweetheart."  
  
When she didn't elaborate, Ben let out an annoyed sigh. "Is there something wrong with me calling you that?"  
  
"That's what Uncle Han calls Aunt Leia."  
  
Ben frowned. "What the hell? Uncle Han? Aunt Leia? Seriously? Is that what you call them?"  
  
"They told me I could," Rey shrugged then started digging around in her toybox to look for the plastic cookies she planned to use as the tea party snack.   
  
"Why the hell would they do that?" Ben exclaimed. "You're not actually their niece! You're not even family! Today's the first day I even heard about you. Mom told me a while ago that Maz was adopting some poor orphan kid, but didn't tell me anything else."  
  
"I didn't know about you either," Rey muttered as she continued her search.  
  
"Well, you're not going to call them that anymore," said Ben with finality in his voice.  
  
Rey looked over at him. "Then what should I call them?"  
  
"Han. Leia. Mr. Solo. Mrs. Organa-Solo. I don't know!" Ben shrugged. "Anything but Uncle Han and Aunt Leia. Alright? And you should definitely _not_ call them Mom or Dad either. You aren't related to them in any way and they're not the ones who adopted you, so you don't get that right."  
  
His words stung and Rey wished he would leave. She bit her lower lip, held in her tears and continued to dig around in the toybox fully aware he was still glaring at her. When she finally found the toy cookie container she turned around and was startled to find Ben looming over her with his hands in his pockets. He eyeballed the table with the plastic tea seat and stuffed animals in chairs.   
  
"So is this what you do all day?" he asked. "Play with stuffed animals by yourself? Do you not have any real friends?"  
  
He laughed when she glared up at him. She really, truly hated him and had half a mind to go tell Leia as much. Then he knocked over her stuffed elephant so he could sit down and Rey's eyes nearly popped out of her head.   
  
"Hey!" Rey exclaimed, as Ben sat on the plastic chair that was definitely too small for him. She was sure at any moment the chair would also break. "That was for Baby!"  
  
"Baby?" Ben snorted as he picked the stuffed elephant up off the floor. "You named it Baby? What the hell kind of name is that for a stuffed elephant?"   
  
Rey stormed over and snatched Baby from Ben while he laughed. "Why are _you_ here? Don't _you_ have any friends?"   
  
"I'm crashing your tea party," he shrugged.  
  
Then he reached over and dumped the entire container of plastic cookies in the center of the table.   
  
"No. I meant why are you here in my room?" Rey said as he started arranging the cookies by shape which was what she was going to do. Stars. Circles. Squares. Rectangles. Triangles. Octagons.  
  
"I got in trouble. Mom doesn't trust me home alone. Dad's out of town. Again..." Ben muttered that last part with a frown as he finished organizing all the cookies. Then he stood and walked over to her bookshelf by the window. "And I do have friends. Lots of friends. I actually had plans today. But instead I'm stuck here with you."  
  
Rey watched through narrowed eyes as he picked up each of her succulent plants to examine them closely. She half expected him to start throwing them all on the floor and was surprised when he arranged them better than she had them. Then he started looking at all the books. A lot of them came from garage sales or Mirrorbright's second hand store.   
  
"Friedrich Nietzsche? Seriously?" Ben pulled _Thus Spoke Zarathustra_ off the shelf and flipped through the pages.   
  
Rey shrugged. "What? I like to read."  
  
"But Friedrich fucking Nietzsche? Can you actually comprehend any of this shit? You're like five!"  
  
"I just turned seven," Rey said through clenched teeth. Her hands were balled into fists at her sides. She'd never punched anyone before, but was overcome with the urge to punch Ben. "And I wish you'd stop saying the bad words."  
  
"The bad words?" Ben laughed. "Oh my god seriously?"   
  
"You keeping saying the F word and just now you said the S word and earlier you said h - e - double hockey sticks. Maz has a list of words I'm not supposed to say and those are on there."  
  
"Oh yeah? What other words are on that list, Sweetheart?" Ben said with an amused look on his face that Rey wanted to smack off. "Is ass on there? Or how about damn? Piss? Cunt? Dick? Does she consider cock one of the bad words? Pussy?"  
  
"Ben -" Rey's face was turning red and she marched over to her bedroom door.  
  
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," said Ben, blocking her way. "Where do you think you're going?"   
  
"I don't want you here anymore, so I'm going to tell Aunt Leia."  
  
She started to move past him, but he grabbed her by the arm then after that everything happened so fast. She didn't remember kicking him, but she must have because he let go and was clutching his shin. Rey was cowering against the wall holding her arms in front of her face protectively. She was waiting for a fist or a foot to connect with her and cautiously looked at Ben when nothing happened. The look on his face would've made Rey feel bad if he hadn't been so mean to her before.  
  
"Rey, why are...did you think I was going to hit you?" Ben said with both anger and sadness in his eyes. When she didn't answer, he knelt down so that they were eye level. "That's happened before hasn't it?"   
  
Rey said nothing, but dropped her arms to her sides and stood up straight. Ben sat back and looked conflicted as he worked his lower jaw.   
  
"Where were you before Maz?" he asked in a soft tone he hadn't used before. "I really don't know anything about you."  
  
Rey looked down at the ground and shook her head. She didn't want to talk to him about what life was like before Maz. That's what she had her therapist for. Besides, it always made her emotional and she refused to cry in front of Ben. Her silence was enough of an answer for him. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.   
  
"Look," he said. "I'm sorry I've been such an ass. It's no excuse, but I really did have plans today and my mom just really pisses me off sometimes and I'm taking it out on you which isn't fair. I don't want to be here and I know you don't want me here. But later, I really need you to pretend like we've had a nice time okay?"  
  
"Why should I?" Rey sniffed. "You're mean and keep saying the bad words."  
  
"I just...I'm not used to being forced into a play date with a child alright?"  
  
She stared over at him before sighing. "Fine."  
  
Ben briefly shut his eyes and let out a slow sigh. "Thank you."  
  
Then he stood up and extended a hand out to her, laughing when she frowned at it.   
  
"I'm trying to help you up, Sweetheart. We need to get back to the tea party. Our guests have been waiting long enough."  
  
At that, Rey smiled and took his hand. By the end of their time together, they were laughing. Ben seemed like a completely different person than the one Leia forced into Rey's room several hours ago. He let Rey put hairclips and bows in his hair and a tiara on his head. He even managed to squeeze into one of her tutus. They were having so much fun together that before they knew it, it was already five and time for Ben to leave. Leia watched them from the doorway in silence for a few minutes taking it all in. Later she told Maz she hadn't seen Ben this genuinely happy since he was ten. It was like his happiness was laying dormant and waiting for Rey. 

**  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
3 Years Ago  
**[Ben is 20; Rey is 12] **  
  
**

He was here. Ben was actually _really_ here. But as happy as Rey was to see him...  
  
"Hey Rey, who's this?" said her boy who was just a friend Daniel from somewhere behind her.   
  
Rey briefly shut her eyes and opened them to find Ben looking at her questioningly. The smile that was on his face when Rey first answered the door had quickly dissolved into a frown.   
  
"Ben, this is Daniel. Daniel, this is Ben."  
  
Much to Rey's confusion, the two most important guys in her life seemed to be sizing each other up if the death glares were any indication.  
  
"Ben."  
  
"Daniel."  
  
There were no handshakes or bro hugs or even nods of acknowledgement. They just...glared which made Rey uncomfortable.  
  
"So, Ben," she said trying to break the awkward tension. "Would you like to come inside?"  
  
He nodded, eyes still locked with Daniel's as they continued their silent battle. Rey opened the door wider and had to pull on Daniel's arm to get him to move out of the way. Daniel was tall for his age, but he had nothing on Ben.   
  
"Is Maz home?" Ben looked around.   
  
Besides a lamp in a corner of the living room and the lights on the tree, the house was dark.   
  
"No. She's at a Christmas party," said Rey, as she pulled Daniel over to the couch and gave him a look that said "sit your ass down and stay quiet".   
  
"Who's babysitting you?"   
  
Rey and Daniel looked at each other then started laughing which made Ben frown.   
  
"Ben, really?" Rey rolled her eyes, as Daniel pulled her down to sit on his lap. "I'm old enough now to not need a babysitter."  
  
"Unless you want to count me," Daniel wiggled his eyebrows and tickled her around the waist.  
  
"Daniel oh my god stop it," Rey whispered loudly, as she playfully hit his arm.  
  
She looked back at Ben who's expression had darkened considerably and was reminded that he still had his arms full of presents. She grabbed Daniel's hands to stop him from tickling her further.  
  
"You can put those under the tree," she said, as Daniel started kissing her on the neck.  
  
The way Ben was glaring at them, Rey had a feeling that if it were possible she'd see steam coming out of his ears. He nodded once then went over to the tree, quickly setting the presents down then turned back around just in time to see Daniel sucking a mark onto Rey's neck. She could sense Ben glaring and shoved Daniel off, before rolling off his lap to sit beside him instead.   
  
"Sorry I didn't tell you I was coming," said Ben, as he sat down in an armchair. "Figured mom or Maz would."  
  
"No it's fine. It's a nice surprise!" said Rey. "But what's with all the presents?"  
  
"Some are from my parents. You know how my mom is when it comes to gifts."  
  
"Oh. Right," said Rey, shifting uncomfortably when Ben's gaze seemed to be fixated on the mark Daniel just left on her neck.   
  
Ben swallowed and kept his eyes locked on Rey's. "When is Maz coming home?"   
  
Rey looked at the clock and shrugged as Daniel moved closer to her and put a hand on her thigh. Ben's eyes narrowed as he followed the movement.   
  
"Does she know _he's_ here?" Ben's disapproval of Daniel was rolling off him in waves.  
  
Rey grabbed Daniel's hand before it could climb further up her thigh and held it closer to her knee instead.   
  
"Yes she does," said Rey. "He came over before Maz left."  
  
"When's his curfew?"  
  
"Are you serious?" said Daniel.   
  
Ben looked at him challengingly. "Does it look like I'm joking?"   
  
Daniel jumped up and his hands balled into fists at his sides. "What the hell is your problem old man? Rey's not a kid and neither the hell am I!"  
  
"Guys!" Rey launched herself between them. "Both of you just need to calm down alright? Look Ben. Daniel doesn't have a curfew. And Daniel - I literally haven't seen Ben in like three years."  
  
"Who the hell is he anyway? Is he your brother?"  
  
"NO!" Ben and Rey shouted at the same time. They looked at each other then back at Daniel who was glaring at both of them now.  
  
"I'm going home," he said, as he walked towards the door. "You two obviously would much rather be alone right now."  
  
"Bye," said Ben with a smug smile on his face.  
  
Daniel flipped him off before continuing his walk to the door.   
  
"Daniel no! Wait!" Rey went after him thankful that Ben stayed in the living room.   
  
Rey caught up to Daniel when he was almost past the neighbor's house. Thankfully all the lights were off inside, so they'd have no witnesses to whatever was about to happen between them. Rey sensed it wasn't going to be good. Daniel stopped walking, but kept his back to her.   
  
"Daniel?"   
  
"How come you've never talked about him before?" his voice was quiet, but firm.  
  
"I - what?"  
  
Finally, he whirled around to face her. "You've never brought him up, but he seems _really_ important to you."  
  
"Well..." said Rey, finding it hard to look him in the eyes. "He is. I mean...he was. I don't know. it's...complicated."  
  
"You're obviously important to him, too."  
  
"Daniel, he's a lot older than -"  
  
"Does he have a soulmate?"  
  
"Yes," Rey frowned. "But what does that -"  
  
"Is it you?"  
  
"What?"   
  
"Are you his soulmate?" he had an accusatory look in his eyes now. "Did you lie to me and everyone about not having one? Is this just some sick twisted game you guys are playing?"  
  
"Daniel, please it's not -"  
  
"When did your soul mark time out, Rey?"  
  
"What the hell Daniel?" Rey exclaimed. "You know I don't have a soulmate! And you know that my soul mark has been zero for as long as I can remember! Why the hell would I lie to you about that?"  
  
"Some people -"  
  
"I'm not just 'some people', Daniel!" Rey shouted not caring if anyone was listening. "I'm me! I'm just Rey! A nobody from nowhere! I come from nothing! And all my life I've been told I am nothing! By people who were supposed to love me and care for me and protect me! And according to this stupid fucking mark on my wrist I'm always going to be nothing and have nothing! I'm going to grow old and die alone!"  
  
"Rey?" Ben was out on the front porch with a concerned look on his face.   
  
"Just a minute," she said then lowered her voice and stepped closer to Daniel who now had regret in his eyes. "If Ben was my soulmate, you would know. The world would know. I wouldn't keep it a secret."  
  
"Rey, I -"  
  
"No. Just...don't. Don't call me anymore. Don't text me. I don't ever want to see or hear from you again."  
  
She didn't even bother waiting for a response before running back to the house where Ben was waiting on the front porch. He said nothing as he followed her inside and stayed quiet as he followed her to her bedroom. It was no longer a little girl's room. The bedroom furniture was all dark wood and the pillows and blankets were black with pops of red.   
  
"Is everything alright?" Ben asked from the doorway, as Rey dug around in her dresser for some pajamas.   
  
"I'm done with him. I'm done with everyone," she muttered.   
  
"Did he hurt you?"  
  
"Of course he hurt me. Everyone at some point in my life hurts me whether or not it's physical or emotional."  
  
"Rey -"  
  
"Look. I've had a really long day and I just...I'm going to shower then go to bed. You can stay if you want."  
  
Then she locked herself in her bathroom, sank to the floor and buried her head in her hands to cry. She didn't know how long she stayed like that, but the next time she opened her eyes it was the next morning. She was still in her clothes from last night minus her shoes and she was on her bed with no recollection of how she even got there.  
  
Later as she took a shower and closed her eyes, she saw him. Ben. He unlocked her bathroom door using a paperclip. Then he picked her up and carried her to bed where he gently put her on the mattress and covered her up with blankets after removing her shoes. She remembers feather light kisses on her forehead and a confession. 

**~*~*~*~*~*~**

Tyler Brunswick was cute. He was the second boy in Rey's life who gave her butterflies and made her nervous. He had light brown hair, green eyes and played baseball. Rey was ten when Jessika introduced them and they hit it off immediately. He was only a year older and lived in a neighborhood close enough to Rey's that she could walk or ride a bike to his house. Maz knew his family and approved of her hanging out with him as long as an adult was around.  
  
Not only was Tyler smart, kind and funny, he also didn’t have a soulmate. He was her first kiss. Rey felt like she was in love. They weren't officially dating, but they hung out all the time. Sometimes it was with friends, a lot of times it was just them. Movies. Mini golf. Paintball. Laser tag. Bowling. Mall trips. Dinner dates. Visits to the zoo and botanical gardens. They even went to school dances together. Everyone thought they made such a cute couple even though they hadn't put a label on what they were.   
  
When Rey turned twelve, she started going to parties. It wasn't frequent. Just an every other weekend thing. She always told Maz she was staying the night at Jessika or Tallie's. Maz always believed her, because Maz trusted her. Rey sometimes felt guilty about lying, but not enough to stop. At her third party, Rey caved into peer pressure and finally tried her first alcoholic beverage. At her fifth party, some of Jannah's older friends taught her how to play beer pong. By her tenth party, she was well versed in drinking and getting high. She'd also earned the reputation of being an excellent make out buddy.   
  
The parties were fun, except Tyler never went to any despite all the times Rey invited him. It was apparent he really wasn't into partying and didn't like that Rey went to them. She didn't know it meant he'd stop wanting to be around her. But soon he no longer asked her to hang out which turned into not answering any of her phone calls or messages. It didn't take much longer after all that for Rey to realize Tyler was done with her for good. And that hurt. Almost as much as it hurt when Ben abruptly moved away without saying goodbye.  
  
After her silent falling out with Tyler, Rey met Daniel at a party. He was a great kisser. They decided that instead of being in a traditional boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, they would just be make out buddies. He was cute and vaguely reminded her of Tyler. They had fun and hung out a lot. Everything was fine until one Christmas when Ben came home for a visit and Daniel accused Rey of lying about her soul mark. He actually accused Rey of being Ben's soulmate and keeping it a secret.   
  
Rey had three relationships after her wounds from Daniel had healed enough. Carter, William and Paul. None of them were _that_ serious and each one lasted just a few weeks before the hang outs, phone calls and messages stopped. And it was all for the same reason - they met their soulmates.  
  
By the time she turned fourteen, Rey was ready to give up on any kind of relationship until she met _him_. Aaron Harris. He was dreamy. She first saw him through a haze of smoke as though she were in some sort of cheesy coming of age film. He had dark hair that fell around his perfectly imperfect face. His skin was pale and his blue eyed gaze was intense. He wore all black, had broad shoulders and towered over everyone in the room. All the guys wanted to be his friend and all the girls wanted his attention. He was how Rey assumed Ben was in high school. Confident. Handsome. Cool. Popular. Wanted. Loved.   
  
The first few times she saw Aaron at the same party, she watched from a distance. He was with a different girl each time. Finally at their seventh shared party, he noticed her. A few nights later at another party, he was the first guy Rey had sex with even though she hardly knew him. It wasn't until a week later when they were at his apartment downtown that Rey learned he was eighteen and a freshman at Chandrila Community College.   
  
Aaron was someone Rey shouldn’t be dating let alone sleeping with, but she couldn’t stay away from him so she didn’t. He told her many times that it wasn’t going to last. That he had a soulmate. That Rey was too young for him. That if anyone knew about them, he'd be in serious trouble. That they could never be seen together out in public. That their moments would only be for the weekends or behind closed and locked doors at parties.  
  
After six blissful months of secretly dating, Aaron turned nineteen and ended things. He told her it was time for him to stop fucking around and start getting serious about his life and his future. A future that could not and would not include Rey. He told her he needed to focus on getting to know his soulmate. Some girl from out of town that he met two years ago touring college campuses. Rey once again felt the sting of rejection, but this one hurt more than all the others.   
  
It didn't take long for Rey to spiral. She started going to parties more frequently. She was sneaking out every Friday and Saturday night and even on some weeknights. Maz continued to remain blissfully unaware of Rey’s comings and goings. She’d long since learned how to hide her party clothes and was good at covering the hickeys. She was pro at fabricating stories and acting innocent when necessary.  
  
Besides alcohol and the occasional pill, Rey continued to find solace in boys. Some whose names she remembered, others who were more or less drunken flings. It wasn’t always sex. Sometimes it was just making out. Other times, all Rey needed was for someone to hold her and tell her they loved her even though they never meant it. That she wouldn’t ever be alone even though she always woke up alone.  
  
She met Michael shortly before Ben moved back to Chandrila. She didn't really like him and he didn't really like her, but they both liked having sex. But then she caught him fucking someone else and ended it. After Michael broke her heart, Rey decided she was really, truly done with relationships.   
  
Her heart couldn’t take anymore destruction.

 **  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Present Day  
**[Rey is 16]

  
The wind was whipping Rey's hair violently around her face, but she didn't care. She ignored the rain that was soaking through her clothes. She ignored the thunder that shook the sandy beach she ran on. She ignored the sudden flashes of lightning. She didn't really know where she was going, but still she ran. She ignored Ben's voice calling out to her over the downpour.   
  
Her lips were still tingling, her soul mark was burning and confusion flooded her mind. All her memories of Ben from the past nine years were reforming and making her see them as though she were looking through a brand new pair of eyes. For as long as she could remember, her soul mark had always been a zero. That's why she did the things she did. She thought she had nothing and no one to lose. But how wrong she was.

**~*~  
  
[Non linear flashbacks begin]  
**

**He surprised Rey on a Wednesday after school. It was her actual birthday, but her party wasn’t until Saturday. She was turning eight. They went to the zoo and botanical gardens then had dinner at Rey’s favorite local restaurant that only served deep fried greasy food. All things Ben hated, but Rey loved. Later, he got in trouble because he didn’t tell anyone what his plans were after school or that they involved Rey. He even stayed out past curfew that night to watch Disney movies with her until she fell asleep.**

**~*~**

**  
"I shouldn’t miss him, Finn,” said Rey.**  
  
 **It had been months since Ben moved across the** **country. She didn't even get to say good bye. Her feelings for him had been confusing** **at best. It got worse when he started calling and** **writing her letters.**  
  
 **“Why not?” asked Finn, as they worked on a** **science project.**  
  
 **“He never really cared about me, so why should I** **care that he’s gone?”**  
  
 **“He cares about you. Even though you don’t** **think he does. He always has.”**  
  
 **"Yeah right," Rey said bitterly. "Ben Solo has never** **truly cared about anyone but himself. I don't even** **think he really cared about Bazine.** **She was just a girl he liked to hook up with. And** **I'm sure she wasn't the only girl either. I was always** **just an annoying little kid to him."**  
  
 **"That may have been true when you guys first met, b** **ut I think his feelings for you were always** **complicated just like your feelings for him.”**  
  
 **Rey’s cell phone started ringing. Neither of them looked at** **it, because they both knew who was calling.  
**

**  
~*~**

**  
He was smiling like the smug bastard he was.  
  
"Eeeewwww Ben, gross! Why did you kiss me??" Rey was frantically wiping at the spot on her forehead where his lips were pressed just seconds ago.   
  
They had been arguing about what movie to watch. She wanted a romcom, he wanted an action flick.  
**   
**"I wanted to annoy you," he shrugged, as he selected a movie. "Did it work?"**   
  
**She threw stuffed animals at him in response and he laughed.  
  
"I guess it worked."  
  
Ben picked 10 Things I Hate About You.  
**

  
**~*~**

**One of Ben's hands was gripping the steering** **wheel so tightly his knuckles were turning** **white. With his other hand, he was holding** **his cell phone up to his ear.**  
  
 **“No, Bazine. I’m busy tonight. Yes, I’m with Rey. No,** **I’m not going to cancel my plans with her. She’s** **important to me.”**  
  
 **He smiled over at Rey and she smiled back. The** **platinum heart necklace he bought her from** **Tiffany and Co sparkled in the sunlight. He’d asked** **for Bazine’s opinion and she was pissed when** **she realized he was buying it for Rey and not her.  
**

**~*~  
**

  
**"Have you really never seen a lake before?"  
**   
**Rey shook her head in embarrassment.**   
  
**"What about the ocean?"**   
  
**Rey shook her head again, trying not to cry. It would be such a stupid thing for her to cry over something like seeing a lake in person for the first time at seven years old. Especially in front of Ben, who liked to make fun of her.  
**   
****“Well, you’re not missing much,” Ben shrugged. “It's not all that great. It smells bad and the sand gets everywhere."  
  
If he noticed Rey’s tears, he didn’t say anything. In fact, he was abnormally kind to her the entire weekend.  
** **

  
**~*~**

**"Ben, please don't let go!"**  
  
 **Rey was sure she'd go straight onto the asphalt** **the moment he let go of the bike. Her friends all knew how to ride a bike and roller blade, but until now Rey never had anyone in her life who cared enough to teach her either of those things.**  
  
 **"You can do this, Sweetheart," said Ben, as he let go. "I believe in you."  
**

  
**~*~**

**"Bazine, I can't right now. Yes. I'm with Rey.** **No, I'm not going to just leave her."  
  
He hung up and threw his cell phone on the bed, clearly frustrated.   
  
"Is she mad?" said Rey.  
  
"She’s pissed."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"We had plans."  
  
"And you canceled them again?"  
  
Ben nodded.   
  
"Why do you keep doing that?"  
  
"Sometimes, I like being with you more than I like being around her, Rey."  
**

  
**~*~**

**"What's wrong, Sweetheart?”**  
  
 **“Go away Ben.”**  
  
 **She was curled up in a corner of the treehouse.** **Sometimes her nightmares felt so real.**  
  
 **“Seriously, Rey. Why are you crying?”**  
  
 **“I said go away,” Rey buried her head** **in her hands.**  
  
 **She half expected him to start laughing or make fun** **of her or just finally leave. Instead, he got quiet. When** **Rey finally looked up, he was sitting right beside her.**  
  
 **“Tell me what’s wrong, Rey. Please.”**  
  
 **She shook her head. “It’s not important.”**  
  
 **“You’re hurt. It’s important.”**  
  
 **“Why do you care?”**  
  
 **“I care about you.”  
**

  
**~*~**

**"Ben, what is a soulmate?"**  
  
 **He looked at her for a moment. It was a long** **moment in which Rey looked down and noticed how close** **their hands were.**  
  
 **"A soulmate is someone you can't live without,"** **Ben said carefully and gently.**  
  
 **Rey nodded, as she continued staring down at their** **hands. "Have you met your soulmate yet?"**  
  
 **"Yes."**  
  
 **"Do you love her?"**  
  
 **Ben thought for a moment, before nodding. "Yes."**  
  
 **"Does she know?"**  
  
 **"No."**  
  
 **"Are you going to tell her?"  
  
He frowned slightly and looked away as though deep in thought. His hand moved close enough to touch hers.** **"Someday."  
**

  
**~*~**

**"What are your nightmares about, Sweetheart?** **How can I make them go away?"**  
  
 **"You can't."**  
  
 **"Let me try."  
  
**

**~*~**

**"Ben, why are you still here?"**  
  
 **"I didn't want to be anywhere else.** **Plus you fell asleep on my arm and I** **couldn't move without waking you up."  
  
**

**~*~**   
  


**"Why do you hate me so much?** **What did I ever do to you?"**  
  
 **He was tired and didn't want to have this conversation. "I don't hate you, Rey. I could never hate you."**  
  
 **"You always say you do and you act like you do." Rey was also tired and upset. She hated how he could go from making her feel so loved to feeling like a pile of shit in a matter of seconds.**  
  
 **"It's because I'm scared."**  
  
 **"Why are you scared?"**  
  
 **Ben worked his jaw the way he always did when he was upset about something and didn't know what to say. There was also something different in his eyes when he looked at her. It wasn't annoyance or hate either. It was something Rey couldn't yet comprehend.**  
  
 **"Someday, you'll understand," he said.  
**

  
**~*~**   
  


**“Why are you hugging me?"**   
  
**"Sometimes a hug can fix things."**   
  
**"It can't fix this."**   
  
**He tightened his grip around her. “Challenge accepted.”  
  
Rey ended up falling asleep in his arms.  
**

  
**~*~**   
  


**"You're cute when you're angry, Sweetheart."**   
  
**"Leave me alone."**   
  
**"Never." Then he kissed her on the forehead.  
**

  
**~*~**   
  


**He wasn't himself that night. He was distressed and restless. His skin was paler than usual and he was shaking slightly. His eyes looked like swirling vortexes of black. It looked like he hadn’t slept in days.**   
  
**"I'm about to do something and you might not ever see me again."**   
  
**"You're scaring me, Ben. What's wrong?"  
  
He showed up at two in the morning at Rey's bedroom window. She shouldn't have let him in, but she did anyway.  
  
"Promise me you don't hate me."  
  
"I don't hate you, Ben, but please tell me what's wrong."  
  
"I can't."  
**

  
**~*~**   
  


**"Ben! Look! I'm doing it! Just like you said! I'm riding my bike without my training wheels or you holding on!"  
  
Rey was elated, as the wind blew through her hair. From the driveway, Ben laughed and clapped his hands.   
  
"Good job, Sweetheart! I knew you could do it!"  
  
After that, he taught her how to roller blade and ice skate.  
**

  
**~*~**

**"My son loves you, even though he's always denied it,” said Han with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. “It can't be helped."**  
  
 **It was such an odd thing for Han to say and Rey** **frowned. "Gross. Why would he love me? I'm nothing to him."**  
  
 **Han chuckled.** **"That's not true."  
**

  
**~*~**

**"I'm going to buy a beach house someday, Sweetheart. And we can go there whenever you want to see the ocean."  
  
"Why would you do that? You hate the ocean."  
  
"I do. But you don't."  
**

  
**~*~**

**"Have you ever been in love?" Rey asked one day while she braided her hair.  
  
Ben was working on explicating a poem for his creative writing class.  
** _  
_ _…and the portrait show seems to have no faces_  
 _in it at all, just paint_  
 _you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone_  
 _ever did them_  
 _I look at you and I would rather look at you than_  
 _all the portraits in the world._  
  
 **Ben smiled at Rey’s reflection in the mirror**. **"I'm getting there."  
**

  
**~*~**

  
**"Are you really there?" Ben asked.**   
  
**Rey nodded as she spun in a slow circle. She was standing in the middle of the football field at Chandrila Prep with Ben on speaker phone. Her phone call woke him up, but he didn't mind. He never minded when she called. No matter what time it was or if he was busy. He always made time for Rey.**   
  
**"Yes. Jannah isn't sure why I asked her to bring me here."**   
  
**"Is she with you?"**   
  
**"She's waiting in her car in the parking lot."**   
  
**"So why did you call me?"**   
  
**"I wanted to do something with you. Well not with you since you're not actually here, but I just have a lot I need to let out you know?"**   
  
**Ben knew what she meant and she could hear the smile in his tired voice when he spoke. "Go on, Sweetheart. Count it down."**   
  
**Rey beamed and stared up at the night sky with her arms straight out at her sides. "3! 2! 1!"**   
  
**Even from all the way out in the parking lot with the windows rolled up, Jannah could hear them screaming loudly at the sky.**

  
**~*~**   
  


**"That was Leia," said Maz, her eyes red and puffy.  
  
“Was it about Ben?”  
  
Maz nodded and stared out the window.  
  
“What about him? Is he alright?” Rey asked, anxiously.  
  
“He’s going to be fine, but…he’s also going to be moving.”  
  
“What? Han and Leia are moving?”  
  
“No, not Han and Leia. Just Ben.”  
  
Rey hadn’t slept in two days since that night Maz got a phone call at three in the morning and rushed to the hospital with no explanation leaving Rey in the care of a neighbor. Later Leia told her Ben did something bad, but didn't elaborate leaving Rey to imagine all kinds of horrible scenarios. And if Maz's emotional behavior the past two days was any indication, whatever Ben had done must've been really, really bad. And now he was leaving.**   
  
**"I want to see him before he goes."**   
  
**"You can't," Maz looked like was about to cry again.**   
  
**Rey already was. "Why not?"**   
  
**"He doesn't want to see you."  
**

  
**~*~**   
  


**They both somehow fit on Rey's twin bed. Ben was curled up on his side facing her. She was sitting cross legged with a bowl of popcorn in her lap. Clueless was playing quietly on Ben’s laptop. He smiled at her, eyes heavy with sleep. The plans he’d had with Bazine were once again canceled in favor of hanging out with Rey. It wasn’t even a weekend. Maz had no idea he was over. He snuck in through the window.  
**  
 **"You don't have to keep canceling plans with your girlfriend to hang out with me,” said Rey around a mouthful of popcorn. “I know you hate being here."**  
  
 **"Not true," he muttered into her pillow with his eyes closed.** **"You're the only person in my life that matters to me, Sweetheart."  
**

  
**~*~**   
  


**"What's on your mind?" Jessika asked, as she laid down beside Rey.  
  
They were in the backyard stargazing while Jannah's eighteenth birthday party was in full swing inside the house.   
  
"The first time I fell asleep stargazing was at the lakehouse in Naboo," said Rey quietly. "Han and Leia were fighting again and Maz was asleep. Ben and I couldn't sleep because of the yelling, so we took our pillows and blankets out to the treehouse Ben's grandfather built. Ben couldn't stand up straight in it anymore, but he could crawl. There's a skylight in the roof and we laid there watching the stars until we fell asleep."  
  
Jessika smiled over at her. "You've never told me that. But that's really sweet and so out of character for Ben."  
  
"Yeah," said Rey, as tears flooded her eyes.  
  
Jessika frowned and sat up. "Rey, what's wrong?"  
  
"I know what he meant when** **he told me he was scared," Rey said, as the tears started falling.  
  
“What do you mean?”**  
  
“ **I'm fucking terrified, Jess."**  
  
 **"Of what?"**  
  
 **"How I feel."**  
  
 **"How do you feel?"**  
  
 **"I feel... I mean... I _know_... I love him."  
  
“Who?”  
  
“Ben.”  
  
**

 **[Flashbacks end]  
  
~*~**  
  
 **Present Day**  
[Rey is 16; Ben is 24]

  
Rey was a couple miles down the beach by the time Ben finally caught up to her. There really wasn't anywhere else she could've gone, but this was her first time on Ahch-To and she would’ve gotten lost had she gone into the tropical forest that covered a good portion of the island.   
  
It had stopped raining. The thunder and lightning had died down. The storm was now in the distance moving in the opposite direction. But Rey's heart was still racing and tears were still falling. Ben said nothing and fought the strong urge to hold her closely. He stayed a few feet away watching. Waiting. Finally, she nodded. It was silent permission. He quickly closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms tightly around her. She gripped his shirt tightly in her hands as she began crying into his chest. He rest his head on top of hers and gently rubbed her back.   
  
Things between them had always been complicated and had always been changing. Despite what they'd been through both together and apart, this was where their lives were always going to take them. Back to each other. No matter what. The words Ben said just moments ago echoed around them like the raindrops that were no longer falling.   
  
**_"You're my soulmate."_**

 **  
~*~*~*~*~*~**  
  
 _"I was yours,_  
 _before I knew;_  
 _and you have always_  
 _been mine too."_  
  
 _\- Always by Lang Leav_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaandd our Present Day has shifted up a year. Rey finally knows the truth! We will be back to Ben's POV next chapter.


End file.
